Teenagers and Coaching Anger Management
Teenagers and Anger Management
Why have we got so much violence and aggression on our streets? It is so depressing to read endless tragic stories of teenagers stabbed or shot; to see girls kick one another in the head, and to watch football fans attacking policemen. What is happening? More to the point, what can we do about it?
I have three solutions: anger management, parenting classes and an end to sadistic video games.
(1) Anger management and emotional intelligence are lifeskills that can be taught. At Positiveworks we specialise in training and coaching people from 13 years to 70+ and most of them say “why didn’t we learn this before?” Cognitive-behavioural methods provide practical and powerful tools to enable people to stop, breathe and evaluate the consequence of something they are about to say or do. Most anger comes from the need to have the world exactly the way we want it to be. As babies we scream and the consequence is that we gain the attention of our parents: that is a survival mechanism. Our needs are addressed. Emotional maturity comes when we come to realize, as we grow up, that screaming for attention can alienate; that other people have needs too and that there needs to be compromise. Instead of thinking “Dina must do what I want her to”, with Cognitive-behavioural models we can learn to think “I would rather Dina did what I wanted her to but I can manage it if she doesn’t”. It’s not rocket science but it does work. Children need to be given these insights and techniques at an early age. See http://www.positiveworks.com/education/futuredirections.htm
(2) Which comes to my second solution: enlighten parents about these methods so that they can pass them on to their children. Watching the fly-on-the-wall documentaries about families it is clear that parents frequently lose their rag with their children – and so the children learn that this is acceptable behaviour, when in fact it is not. Parenting classes can help mothers and fathers to experience for themselves how to manage anger, how to access a calm state of mind and how to learn to treat one another, and their children, with dignity and respect by learning assertiveness (not aggressive) skills. Coaches Diane Carrington and Antonia Fernand work in this field, see http://www.positiveworks.com/coaches/team.htm
(3) Put a stop to easy access of violent and sadistic computer games. Why do we have to have games such as Grand Theft Auto IV so readily available? I simply can’t understand why people are not making a link between violent games and the violence we see on the street. Susan Greenfield, the leading brain scientist, [ID: The Quest for Identity in the 21st Century by Susan Greenfield, Hodder & Stoughton]has made a link between the corrosive effect of computer games and the potential for young people to lose their sense of reality as a result of continuous boosting of the chemical dopamine in the brain’s pleasure centre. Too much dopamine can distort a child’s awareness of the meaning of their actions. Looking at the cold unemotional faces of some of the young men recently sentenced for senseless murders one does begin to see that this is becoming a reality. They literally didn’t seem to have any concept of what they had done; no understanding of the emotional trauma that bereaved families were going through.
These are the first generations to have access to such sadistic and realistic images. The brain’s memory works in images. The advertising companies know this; lobbying campaigns know this so why do people continue to say that violent images carry no impact? It has just been reported in The Times, 17.5.08, that psychologists are finding that they can cure phobias using virtual reality scenarios – a fear of flying, binge-eating and post-traumatic stress are being treated with video games. A war veteran has commented that after a while it doesn’t seem like a video game, it seems like reality. This is using the technology for a positive purpose. If there is evidence that it can influence in a positive way it surely goes without saying that it can influence in a negative way and that becoming immersed in violent games and films eventually distorts a person’s sense of reality and normalizes aggression.
As Positiveworks we seek to help people to see the positive in themselves, in others and to realize that, within the ups and downs of life, one does not have to be a victim of circumstance but can make decisions to move on and make the most of life. Is it not time for teachers, parents and the producers of video games to cooperate so as to help teenagers take control of their thinking, to learn what thoughts are rational and helpful, and to learn how to manage their emotions and treat themselves and others with dignity. My colleagues and I have achieved measurable results in developing emotional intelligence in young people: let’s spread this skill more widely. www.positiveworks.com
on May 17th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Learning anger management is a wonderful skill to have. There is another dimension to it I believe which concerns not just self-esteem, or low self-esteem, but children growing up with a strong sense of personal value. That I feel begins in the home. When a person has a core sense that they are loved and valued, their behaviour will be reflected in their value of, and care for, others.
Adults seem to be assuming inordinate pressures - to be seen to be successful; to demonstrate a certain affluence; to be admired and celebrated - external attributes pursued at the expense of peace of mind and real joy in living.
The good news is that there are some remarkable people combining effective living with healthy relationships and personal well-being. So it can be done! But these are not the headline grabbers. You have to look for them and when you find them, they make very reassuring and inspiring reading.
on May 19th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
Very funny that I should be reading this today, when, this afternoon, my accompanist, whom I’m very fond of, got angry with me. Then this evening, after relating the experience to my husband at dinner, he informed me that I do the same thing. Needless to say, this was not good timing, since I was hoping for support, rather than chastisement. It’s a wonderful example of how we all have different perceptions, and the people who make these nasty games (and gratuitously violent films, I will add) have very different ideas than we do. It seems so obvious, but they have all sorts of reasons, I’m sure, to justify continuing making them: first and foremost, people buy them. All three of your solutions will help. Bon courage!!!
on May 20th, 2008 at 11:52 am
It seems to me that alongside the anger management which parents need (there are a lot of pressures on modern parents), what’s also needed is a culture of more assertive parenting.
Many parents these days (OK so that makes me sound old!) seem unable to assertively direct their children, very simply, they can’t say no. Children seem to be growing up in an environment where parents (and teachers) are unable or unwilling to be asssertive with children and to point out when they are behaving inappropriately. Simply put, this results in bad behaviour on the part of the kids, and more frustration for parents.
We will end up with a generation who have only ever been told that everything they do is wonderful, and that nothing they do or say is wrong.
I think this is a lot more dangerous than video games, frankly. It’s the parents who determine what kids watch and play, so…back to assertive parents again!