How often do you get to relax and allow your mind and body to recover from thinking about work and chores?  We live in a busy and complex world and it is easy to forget to enjoy the simple things of life or make time for hobbies.  In simple activities such as sitting reading or listening to music, drawing, walking in the park or countryside you create a sanctuary, a protective wall where the realities of the outside world are kept at bay for a short time and you can refresh your energy and forget the bills.

When I look back on my life and childhood I realize that the times I treasured were those spent by the fireside with my parents or siblings, playing board games or reading books together.  It wasn’t grand holidays or treats to theme parks (I don’t think there were any!).  We only had one holiday abroad but wonderful holidays in the garden and an annual trip to the Broads.    Food was simple, as were clothes, but we were happy.

Today people have high aspirations and can believe that it is the expensive gadgets, homes or holidays that will make them and their family happy.  Perhaps you might find more fun on your doorstep?  What is it that you enjoy doing that helps you relax and feel able to face the world?

It takes planning to make time for relaxation, otherwise life becomes a continuous stream of things you ‘have to’ do rather than things you ‘enjoy’ doing.  I am aware from my clients and friends how difficult people find it to sit quietly, to read, to go for a walk or listen to music without the interruption of a mobile phone or BlackBerry to disturb the peace.  Technology has become a ‘fidget’ and it is easy to find yourself fiddling with your smartphone every few minutes, or tuning in to a call, text or email in the middle of a conversation instead of being fully engaged with those with whom you are spending time.  I find that many people are half-in half-out of situations, their body in one place but their mind in several different places.  You can find a greater quality of experience when your mind and body are in the same place.

We travel this fine line where we strive to protect the precious aspects of our life within the onslaught of demands from outside and endless ‘doom and gloom’ broadcasts from the media about the economy.  But if you don’t take time to relax and refresh you will find it harder to manage the ups and downs of life with equilibrium.  The delayed or cancelled train, the irritating buzz of your neighbour’s Ipod on the tube, colleagues who don’t do what they say they are going to do, or noisily crunch onion crisps at the desk next door, the boss who never says thankyou or well done will all become more stressful and difficult to manage.  Your body needs quiet times to re-balance and stay healthy, your mind to find peace.

Identify what it takes for you to relax and refresh yourself and put it in the diary.  Plan your evenings so that you do one or two things that you really enjoy rather than just collapsing in front of the TV.  Plan your weekends so that you play a game, paint a picture, go for a bike ride, take some exercise and do those things that energise you and those you love.  Don’t allow the weekend to be endless chores so that you find on Sunday night that all you have done is go to Tesco or Ikea!  Make time for downtime a priority.  What will you do this week to refresh yourself?  You can see some more tips here http://www.positiveworks.com/newsoffers/stresstips.htm .

I’d just like you to stop and think a moment… if you are a woman do you feel you always respond as your husband, partner, colleague, brother or son might respond to a situation?  If you are a man do you think and respond like a woman?  Or are you aware of some differences of perspective?

We may talk in a spectrum of stereotypical thinking, which may now be outdated.  However, when one asks young or old professionals what their grandmothers told them you often find that those stereotypical beliefs and messages live on in today’s behaviour.  Equally most people in relationships, whether work or personal, do often comment that they respond differently to their colleagues of the opposite gender.  Not always, but often.

What does this mean?  It is an asset not a problem.   We are more likely to solve the world’s challenges with an equal distribution of male-female experience and creativity than with only 50% of the population making decisions, as is now generally the case.  Surely all governments, organisations and teams (whether family team or business team) can benefit from the diversity of approach and response that is gained from mixed viewpoints.  See also http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/comment/comment/women-in-boardrooms-make-for-better-businesses-7543254.html.  A woman has a different experience of life because she has a physically different body and also because of how others respond to her, just as does a man.  This results in diverse perspectives, ideas and solutions to problems.  The brain and emotional responses are also stimulated and shaped by differing hormones.  Testosterone causes different behaviours to oestrogen.

So let’s take action to move towards a world where men and women share power at the top of business and at the top of government.  Surely this has the potential to result in a more balanced view to shape the crucial decisions taken on our behalf.

You may have seen the Horizon programme about The Truth about Exercise which featured Dr Michael Mosley investigating various proven theories about exercise and its health benefits.  The clearest message that came through to me was that sitting in a chair with little walking exercise each day kills you.  Gradually your body will deteriorate and the chemical balance destabilises.

Many of my clients have very sedentary jobs working within large organisations.  Despite my own and other people’s efforts to encourage managers to support daily exercise and help their staff to take frequent breaks there is still a depressing amount of sedentary presenteeism occurring in the workplace.  Perhaps noone has fully understood how sitting in a chair kills us?

One or two of my more enlightened client organisations encourage their staff to take breaks every hour, set up rota systems whereby people can move away from their desks to walk around or go to the gym, exhort staff to stop for a proper lunch rather than munching sandwiches over their laptop.  Not only is this kind of practice better for health – and especially long-term health – but it is also better for creative thinking and clarity of thought around decision-making.  Most people gain their best ideas away from their desk so why be chained to the least creative area of your life for the major part of the day?

What could you do today to ensure you get a good 60-90 minutes of walking?  It is proven to reduce your likelihood of diabetes and long-term health problems so it must be worth it.  As they say – YOU must be worth it!

I want to share three stories which have given me the understanding that life can provide experiences even better than the goals we set  ourselves.  The first was many years ago when I went on a retreat in Hampshire.  I was writing a paper on Renaissance philosophy and wanted some peace in order to think and write.  In my mind’s eye I had visualised an atmospheric garret room in a Gothic building so I was frankly disappointed when I rolled into the drive to see a rather modern square house .  The monk who greeted me then explained that because I was the only person staying that week they had decided I should stay in the Gatehouse.  He pointed to the end of the drive.   There was this perfect Victorian Gothic gatehouse building and I was to have it all to myself for my stay, with my own room, sitting room – AND my own chapel attached!  This was all BETTER than I had ever imagined it could be.

A few years later I set up Positiveworks, hoping that I had it in me to run a consultancy to support others in achieving their work and life goals. As you know, Positiveworks is still going strong 17 years later.  I remember thinking that it would be fun to travel with this work but did nothing specifically to seek work abroad.  I was reading The Famished Road by Ben Okri at the time and it stirred my imagination about Nigeria.  A month later I was called up by two Nigerian consultants inviting me to run some workshops in Lagos.  It was an amazing  experience.  After that I found myself travelling all over the world with my work – from Hong Kong to Australia, from Switzerland to Hungary, then all along the Middle East and on to Lebanon, Kuwait, Dubai, Bahrain, Egypt.  I used to pinch myself, wondering how this had come about.  I had done no specific marketing but somehow these clients had come towards me from one direction and another and there I was standing up running training and coaching sessions to wonderful and fascinatingly diverse groups of people in different parts of the world.  Once again I found myself in a situation even better than I had ever imagined it could be.

More recently my partner and co-author David Beales and I decided to visualise our future life together.  We took paper and coloured pens and drew a picture of a house and garden incorporating all the features we felt would create a happy home for us.  We imagined a place from which we could work, and where our children, grandchildren and friends could easily visit us.  Here I am today sitting in this beautiful thatched cottage looking out at our flower-filled garden.  My cats think they have landed in paradise after Fulham!  And so do I.  Once again, it is even better than I could ever have imagined it could be.

It wasn’t all plain sailing, of course.  Life is full of swings and roundabouts and hard work, so I am not trying to pretend there is a Polyanna world out there.  But I share these stories because I have become convinced from my own experiences and those of friends and clients that we create our own future and that sometimes this can be better than we can possibly imagine it could be.

I am sure that you will have had similar experiences.  Why not think about them and share them with family, friends, children, colleagues?  And then as those of you in the UK and Europe take off for your summer holidays perhaps you would like to cast an imaginative eye over your future now and begin to think of specific things you might like to bring into your life.  How you feel on the inside on a daily basis is always more important than what happens on the outside so include the qualities of life that boost your happiness, whether these are adventurous or peaceful.  Relax and trust your creativity to help you imagine the inside-outside experiences that you want to bring into your life.    And once you have identified these goals open your mind to the possibility that life may just throw you something EVEN better than you could imagine!

Have a happy August,

Helen

‘I shall probably do the usual at Christmas – row with a relative!’ a friend said to me last week.  The family reunion at Christmas can be wonderful, or challenging!  We can be confronted by relatives who have well established perceptions of who we are – but perceptions and expectations of one another can be difficult to shift.  You may find yourself reverting to old behaviours or being treated as the youngest, the oldest, the ‘clever one’, the ‘sporty one’, ‘the difficult one’, ‘the clown’, etc.  But these labels can be outdated and lead to misinterpretation.  The expectations of others – and those we have of them – can limit us from revealing our true selves.

Being back within the family reminds us of the messages we received growing up: some encouraging, some critical and some no doubt frustrating!  So returning to the hearth, or having family to stay, can remind us of how our identity has been shaped and gives us the opportunity to question whether this identity is still relevant today.    What might it feel like if you were able to remove those old perceptions and labels and start again?   For a moment to imagine you have no history, no name, no role, status, or reputation within your family.  What might that feel like?  For me this felt both frightening and yet also liberating.

We all have a responsibility for our impact on others.  How might you help your family to recognise who you are today rather than seeing you as the person you were last year, or ten years ago?   What do you need to express differently?  How might you approach members of your family with new eyes and see beyond the image you may have constructed years ago, especially if that has been negative?  It’s easy to imagine that people don’t change but everyone evolves, and sometimes it’s even for the better!

If you find other people irritating over the festive period consider what their pressures and intentions might be.  See beyond the behaviours.   There’s no book of life and how to live it.  We all muddle along and try to find our way.  Sometimes this results in developing unhelpful defensive behaviours.   But we can choose not hook in to old patterns or give other people the power to upset our day.  We can choose compassion. 

How might you set old relationships up on a new and more constructive footing that reflects the present rather than the past?   What would this look like?  How would you be acting differently so as to reflect the person you are now, the person you wish others to see and acknowledge? 

In that spirit of enquiry I wish you all a very happy Christmas and a new year that brings you and those you love happiness in 2011.

Healing emotion is incredibly important.  We all experience emotions every day of our lives and each one of us has had happiness but also sadness, disappointment, resentments and anxieties.  Some of these can get ‘stuck’ in our bodies through our emotional memories.  Our body has an intelligence and is constantly monitoring our emotional state for basic survival reasons but also to ensure that our emotional as well as physical needs are met.  The body stores information about how you tensed up when you gave that presentation to your boss, or were told off by a teacher in the classroom, were fearful at night in the dark as a child, were bullied by a colleague, felt dejected at the end of a relationship, or excited by the prospect of a new home.

Descartes separated mind and body, saying that only God was in charge of the mind but he lived before the era of science .  We are one system, mind and body and now that we are able to view the inner workings of the brain and body with fMRI scans we can see that what happens in the mind immediately affects the body by sending out stress alert signals that change our chemistry and what happens in the body immediately affects our mind by altering the balance of oxygen, CO2 and blood that is available to our ‘thinking’ brain.

All of this is highly relevant to each one of our lives whether at work and needing to think clearly about complex things or at home where we are juggling personal relationships and tasks at the same time as trying to take care of our own needs.

I have been thinking a great deal about this recently in writing my new book EMOTIONAL HEALING FOR DUMMIES which I wrote with Dr David Beales, a medical doctor specialising in mind-body and behavioural medicine.  Sharing experiences of clients and patients we realise that people who are having difficulty speaking up either at work or at home may experience problems with their jaw, those who are feeling ‘put upon’ by others may have physical ailments around neck and shoulders as the ‘burden’ of demands becomes too difficult to manage, others who have back problems as they need to stand up for themselves in some way, people who are fearful go into spasm.  So our emotional feelings impact our health and daily wellbeing but we can heal them by focus of mind – exploring the issues, taking a breathing space to reflect on what it is you personally need to do or say in the situation, learning new thoughts and behaviours that will help you to take action to solve the problems.

So roll over Descartes: my argument is that it is you who are in charge of your mind and your health through what you choose to focus on.  If you have emotions that are causing you difficulties – old resentments at the way your parents treated you or what life has dealt you, or anger at a partner who walked out on you then it is likely that it is not only disturbing your everyday life but is also impacting your health in a negative way.

So take action on this and improve your quality of life by taking a look at our book on EMOTIONAL HEALING FOR DUMMIES – we can offer you a special offer of 25% discount including free postage and packing if you go to http://eu.wiley.com/WileyCDA/WileyTitle/productCd-0470747641.html and quote the promotional code VA682.  You can use the same link to get a 25% discount on my book COGNITIVE-BEHAVIOURAL COACHING TECHNIQUES FOR DUMMIES too, quoting the same promotional code.

Let’s not let the endless doom and gloom get to us.  The media and the government seem to love battering us with miserable stories but they weren’t exactly brilliant at predicting the current crisis or protecting us from it were they?  So maybe they are all missing something that’s just around the corner that could actually go right – who knows?!  After all, just after the last recession we got the internet and digital boom … so do get creative and get us out of this one… :>)

Our parents and grandparents lived through far worse, with world wars and a far less generous social system than we have today to support us.  They lived with years of uncertainty that was not just economic but life-threatening.  Talk to them about it, or to your elderly neighbour – you often find that the ‘old dear’ down the road has actually driven tanks and parachuted out of planes… far braver than battling the bugs on the District Line every morning.

But of course misery and negativity depletes our immune system so it is hardly surprising that we have a record number of flu and cold bugs going around.  So focus on the positive and at least you are more likely to stay healthy and live longer as there is now a good body of evidence to show that optimism and happiness increase health, longevity and wellbeing.  (And if you’re worrying about how on earth you’ll afford to live longer then optimism also increases your chances of success in sales and career and it can be learned – through Positiveworks of course! www.positiveworks.com )

The human mind tends to fret about things that may never happen.  So enjoy what is going right.  And if today you have some money in the bank, a job perhaps, a roof over your head, a pet, a friend, someone you love, or someone who knows and understands you then rejoice.  A quick scan of world events shows us that the problems we face in the UK may be difficult but nothing like as bad as in some other parts of the world.

Also can we please have a revival of common sense: it has been under-rated recently and it has a lot going for it.   Many regulations assume we have none of our own – that we have to be warned that we could cut ourselves if we aren’t careful how we use scissors to unwrap our Christmas presents.  Surely we know that this is the case, that life can be risky – that grass is slippery when wet.  Don’t we?

So listen to your heart.  Intuition has been proven by recent research to be spot on in helping us make decisions.  But you knew that didn’t you – you didn’t need a University research project to tell you.  If something feels right, do it; if something doesn’t feel right then don’t.  Intuition usually speaks to you through your body – if you feel tense with someone it is for a reason; if you feel light and happy with another person then there is a message in it.  You don’t need books to tell you this: you just need to tune back into your self.  (But of course do buy my latest book Cognitive-Behavioural Coaching for Dummies http://eu.wiley.com/WileyCDA/WileyTitle/productCd-0470713798.html )

The Credit Crunch has raised discussion about excess and ‘affluenza’.  Certainly a rebalancing of what is realistic and sustainable is required at all levels.  But there is little point in waging a war on wealth-creation in itself.   There is no intrinsic goodness in poverty: in fact poverty divides and wrecks individuals and communities.  Several people are now admitting that they ‘always knew’ that what they were doing in lending money to people who couldn’t afford it was wrong but they did it anyway in order to follow a target, gain a perk. Similarly others took on debt that they knew they couldn’t afford.  So follow your own moral compass of what is right or wrong but honest toil is certainly nothing to be ashamed of.  If we make money we are able to employ others, avoid living off the State, be philanthropic and give to charities. I found this quite an interesting article on this subject:

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/leading_article/article5391496.ece

New perspectives are what is called for, not a return to what was.  Einstein commented that we can’t solve a problem from the same place in which we created it.  When it comes to your own life get creative and look at situations anew.  Spend 30 minutes identifying as many ways as possible of finding a solution.  The HBDI Herrmann thinking profile works brilliantly to stretch your brain and ensure you integrate creativity and realism, see http://www.positiveworks.com/products/thinkingpref.htm

You can change things: every voice matters.  Even if it is just to develop a positive energy around you at home or at work.  But if you care about something, write a letter to a paper or your MP or to Boris, write a blog, comment on a website, join a lobby group, volunteer for a charity, smile at someone on the tube, do any small thing that expresses what you feel strongly about.  You may not be able to change the world, or your whole organisation, or the government, or the country but you can make a difference to those immediately close to you and surely that is worth doing.  

Finally, fun doesn’t have to cost much.  We can enjoy family, friends, good health, kitchen suppers, books, reading, listening to music, making love, dancing, going to an art gallery, playing with the paint pot your aunt bought for the kids, walking in the park, all at minimal cost.  So let’s act to make this year a really good one and prove those doom and gloom merchants thoroughly wrong!

Happy 2009! Helen

7 Ideas about travelling hopefully through the economic downturn

The news is all thoroughly glum isn’t it.  Every day there seems to be yet another story of economic doom and gloom and global break-down.  So I thought I would share with you some of the things we could try to remember in these challenging times:

1.       Focus on the positive.  The one thing we do have control of is our mental and emotional approach to how we manage the situation.  I am not suggesting that the situation is not serious: I am sure that it is.  But we can either allow our thoughts to increase our sense of anxiety such as “I can’t stand this situation: it is ghastly and it is just going to get worse” or we can develop thoughts such as “this is a very challenging situation but I can manage it step by step and remain optimistic” so as to generate a feeling of calm and confidence.  When we are stressed we are stupid and make stupid decisions: and we can’t afford to make bad decisions at this time so take a deep breath and decide to feel in control.  

2.       Focus on what we can control:  decide what we can change and what we can’t.  We are living through unprecedented times: no expert – politician or economist – actually knows what the solutions are so the important thing is for us to focus on those aspects of our life that we can control and not spend too much time worrying about what we can’t.  What can we do?  Perhaps we can watch our cash flow, save money, invest it carefully, put our all into the work we are doing, seek new career avenues and opportunities.  Perhaps we can nurture the relationships and support systems we have and support those whom we love and with whom we live and work.  In essence, travel hopefully and make every day as enjoyable as it can be.   Each decision we make becomes more important and will take more consideration so as to ensure that we taking action where we can and accepting what we can’t change.

3.       Focus on personal values.  We need to flex to the changing circumstances of the economic world but the focus that can keep us sane is holding on to our personal principles and values.  Doing this is not always easy but virtually always raises self-esteem and is more likely to set you on the right pathway for your own unique destiny rather than following the crowd. Groupthink can lead to panic and to not thinking wisely (look at what has just been happening when people all over the world got swept up on a wave of economic practice that was not sustainable). The pull of the crowd is strong and it takes courage to stand alone but ultimately in my experience it leads us towards those people who share our values and can support our aspirations.

4.       Get real. Work with facts and evidence, not with supposition and imagining what might happen – because it may never happen.   If we buy into all the fear that the media and governments are setting up we could waste several months if not years of our lives living in fear, to no good avail.  Unprecedented times mean that forthcoming events are unpredictable so we may simply not have the mental models available to imagine what they might look like – and you never know, things could turn out to be better than we imagine! 

5.       Look for the opportunities.  In every downturn there is opportunity.  I have lived through three major periods of economic difficulty – the 1970s (when we had a 3-day week, power cuts to offices, rubbish uncollected in the streets), the 1980s and Black Monday, and the recession of the 1990s – when I set up Positiveworks.  They don’t last forever and there are always those who prosper despite them.  We can either button down the hatches and decide that everything is going to be ghastly or we can choose to travel wisely and hopefully and look for new opportunities, new ways of working, new ways of living.  There  are 2 books out that might be of interest to you: one called When Markets Collide – Investment Strategies for the Age of Global Economic Change.  You can check it out on http://business.timesonline.co.uk/tol/business/economics/article4968973.ece . The other is The Tiger That Isn’t: Seeing Through a World of Numbers.  You can check this one out in an article in The Times entitled ‘Crash! Boom! Disaster! That’s enough crazy talk’ see http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/columnists/guest_contributors/article4981188.ece 

6.       Be discerning.  The media has decided long ago that it is only bad news that sells newspapers – so that is what they focus on.  They seldom tell us of all the many good things that are going on in the world.  Comment always comes with an agenda too: so listen carefully to who is doing the reporting – and why.  We might remind ourselves as we read or listen to the news that what is actually happening is as much about what is not reported as about what is.

7.       Get creative. If the old world has gone let’s consider the shape of the new world in a proactive way: it takes the sum of our individual efforts to make change a positive experience.  Each one of us has more creativity and innovation within us than we might be aware of – it is time for us to get fired up about how to make this period of global downturn a time when we shift our thinking and approach to deciding what kind of new world we want to build.  If we focus on negativity and fear this is what we will shape; if we focus on constructive optimism and innovation we may be able to shape something new and exciting that is grounded in wise principles and a sense of inclusion that could benefit us all.  This is our challenge: let’s rise to it! 

What new world do you want to create and what action might you take to create it?