Healing emotion is incredibly important.  We all experience emotions every day of our lives and each one of us has had happiness but also sadness, disappointment, resentments and anxieties.  Some of these can get ‘stuck’ in our bodies through our emotional memories.  Our body has an intelligence and is constantly monitoring our emotional state for basic survival reasons but also to ensure that our emotional as well as physical needs are met.  The body stores information about how you tensed up when you gave that presentation to your boss, or were told off by a teacher in the classroom, were fearful at night in the dark as a child, were bullied by a colleague, felt dejected at the end of a relationship, or excited by the prospect of a new home.

Descartes separated mind and body, saying that only God was in charge of the mind but he lived before the era of science .  We are one system, mind and body and now that we are able to view the inner workings of the brain and body with fMRI scans we can see that what happens in the mind immediately affects the body by sending out stress alert signals that change our chemistry and what happens in the body immediately affects our mind by altering the balance of oxygen, CO2 and blood that is available to our ‘thinking’ brain.

All of this is highly relevant to each one of our lives whether at work and needing to think clearly about complex things or at home where we are juggling personal relationships and tasks at the same time as trying to take care of our own needs.

I have been thinking a great deal about this recently in writing my new book EMOTIONAL HEALING FOR DUMMIES which I wrote with Dr David Beales, a medical doctor specialising in mind-body and behavioural medicine.  Sharing experiences of clients and patients we realise that people who are having difficulty speaking up either at work or at home may experience problems with their jaw, those who are feeling ‘put upon’ by others may have physical ailments around neck and shoulders as the ‘burden’ of demands becomes too difficult to manage, others who have back problems as they need to stand up for themselves in some way, people who are fearful go into spasm.  So our emotional feelings impact our health and daily wellbeing but we can heal them by focus of mind – exploring the issues, taking a breathing space to reflect on what it is you personally need to do or say in the situation, learning new thoughts and behaviours that will help you to take action to solve the problems.

So roll over Descartes: my argument is that it is you who are in charge of your mind and your health through what you choose to focus on.  If you have emotions that are causing you difficulties – old resentments at the way your parents treated you or what life has dealt you, or anger at a partner who walked out on you then it is likely that it is not only disturbing your everyday life but is also impacting your health in a negative way.

So take action on this and improve your quality of life by taking a look at our book on EMOTIONAL HEALING FOR DUMMIES – we can offer you a special offer of 25% discount including free postage and packing if you go to http://eu.wiley.com/WileyCDA/WileyTitle/productCd-0470747641.html and quote the promotional code VA682.  You can use the same link to get a 25% discount on my book COGNITIVE-BEHAVIOURAL COACHING TECHNIQUES FOR DUMMIES too, quoting the same promotional code.

Let’s not let the endless doom and gloom get to us.  The media and the government seem to love battering us with miserable stories but they weren’t exactly brilliant at predicting the current crisis or protecting us from it were they?  So maybe they are all missing something that’s just around the corner that could actually go right - who knows?!  After all, just after the last recession we got the internet and digital boom … so do get creative and get us out of this one… :>)

Our parents and grandparents lived through far worse, with world wars and a far less generous social system than we have today to support us.  They lived with years of uncertainty that was not just economic but life-threatening.  Talk to them about it, or to your elderly neighbour – you often find that the ‘old dear’ down the road has actually driven tanks and parachuted out of planes… far braver than battling the bugs on the District Line every morning.

But of course misery and negativity depletes our immune system so it is hardly surprising that we have a record number of flu and cold bugs going around.  So focus on the positive and at least you are more likely to stay healthy and live longer as there is now a good body of evidence to show that optimism and happiness increase health, longevity and wellbeing.  (And if you’re worrying about how on earth you’ll afford to live longer then optimism also increases your chances of success in sales and career and it can be learned – through Positiveworks of course! www.positiveworks.com )

The human mind tends to fret about things that may never happen.  So enjoy what is going right.  And if today you have some money in the bank, a job perhaps, a roof over your head, a pet, a friend, someone you love, or someone who knows and understands you then rejoice.  A quick scan of world events shows us that the problems we face in the UK may be difficult but nothing like as bad as in some other parts of the world.

Also can we please have a revival of common sense: it has been under-rated recently and it has a lot going for it.   Many regulations assume we have none of our own – that we have to be warned that we could cut ourselves if we aren’t careful how we use scissors to unwrap our Christmas presents.  Surely we know that this is the case, that life can be risky – that grass is slippery when wet.  Don’t we?

So listen to your heart.  Intuition has been proven by recent research to be spot on in helping us make decisions.  But you knew that didn’t you – you didn’t need a University research project to tell you.  If something feels right, do it; if something doesn’t feel right then don’t.  Intuition usually speaks to you through your body – if you feel tense with someone it is for a reason; if you feel light and happy with another person then there is a message in it.  You don’t need books to tell you this: you just need to tune back into your self.  (But of course do buy my latest book Cognitive-Behavioural Coaching for Dummies http://eu.wiley.com/WileyCDA/WileyTitle/productCd-0470713798.html )

The Credit Crunch has raised discussion about excess and ‘affluenza’.  Certainly a rebalancing of what is realistic and sustainable is required at all levels.  But there is little point in waging a war on wealth-creation in itself.   There is no intrinsic goodness in poverty: in fact poverty divides and wrecks individuals and communities.  Several people are now admitting that they ‘always knew’ that what they were doing in lending money to people who couldn’t afford it was wrong but they did it anyway in order to follow a target, gain a perk. Similarly others took on debt that they knew they couldn’t afford.  So follow your own moral compass of what is right or wrong but honest toil is certainly nothing to be ashamed of.  If we make money we are able to employ others, avoid living off the State, be philanthropic and give to charities. I found this quite an interesting article on this subject:

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/leading_article/article5391496.ece

New perspectives are what is called for, not a return to what was.  Einstein commented that we can’t solve a problem from the same place in which we created it.  When it comes to your own life get creative and look at situations anew.  Spend 30 minutes identifying as many ways as possible of finding a solution.  The HBDI Herrmann thinking profile works brilliantly to stretch your brain and ensure you integrate creativity and realism, see http://www.positiveworks.com/products/thinkingpref.htm

You can change things: every voice matters.  Even if it is just to develop a positive energy around you at home or at work.  But if you care about something, write a letter to a paper or your MP or to Boris, write a blog, comment on a website, join a lobby group, volunteer for a charity, smile at someone on the tube, do any small thing that expresses what you feel strongly about.  You may not be able to change the world, or your whole organisation, or the government, or the country but you can make a difference to those immediately close to you and surely that is worth doing.  

Finally, fun doesn’t have to cost much.  We can enjoy family, friends, good health, kitchen suppers, books, reading, listening to music, making love, dancing, going to an art gallery, playing with the paint pot your aunt bought for the kids, walking in the park, all at minimal cost.  So let’s act to make this year a really good one and prove those doom and gloom merchants thoroughly wrong!

Happy 2009! Helen

I was on a bus yesterday and recently have been observing the different responses that bus drivers take to the various events that they face within their job.  Some seem to take perverse pleasure in driving off just as someone is running to catch the bus; others wait patiently and helpfully for the person to reach the stop.  Some drive like maniacs so that cyclists have to scatter; others are courteous and careful.  Some are really helpful to confused tourists; others are dismissive, rude and obstructive.

At  Positiveworks our coaching and training courses are based on the principles of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and you may well have read that the Government is wanting to introduce this into schools (see our book FUTURE DIRECTIONS http://www.positiveworks.com/education/futuredirections.htm) and also make it more available to those suffering from depression.  So what is CBT and how might it help a bus driver or anyone else finding it hard to make the most of the situation in which they have placed themselves?  Basically it works on the premise that how you think affects how you feel and that how you feel will drive your behaviours and actions.  For example if I have a large pile of work on my desk and think “I have too much to do in too little time” it makes me feel stressed.  Feeling stressed stops me thinking clearly and the work ends up taking longer and I may damage relationships with colleagues in the process as we communicate very differently when we when we feel stressed, anxious, fearful or angry to when we feel calm and confident.  Similarly we make different decisions when we feel down to when we feel up and it all starts in our mind.

It is not a new concept: it is based on the reflections of the Stoic philosophers and Epictetus in particular, born around A.D.55.  He was born a slave so had experience of hard times himself and yet his words are quoted by Governments all these years later.   You may have heard before the quote “Individuals are disturbed not by events but by the views they take of them.”  Therefore that it is our thoughts, reactions and approaches that unsettle us, not the nature of the event itself.  I am sure we have all seen this in action – one person we know who was made redundant and felt destroyed by the process, another who was delighted that they could now focus on some new opportunity.  Same situation, different response.

CBT is not about ‘Polyanna’ thinking that everything in the garden is roses: it is about constructive reasoning, enabling people to develop thoughts, beliefs and expectations that best support their goals and quality of life.  For example if someone has a sales meeting with a client it is not going to help them if they are doubtful of their ability to achieve the sale.  On the other hand if they are thinking they ‘must’ achieve the sale this also sets up tension so a CBT response would be “I would prefer it if I make this sale but I can manage it if I don’t as there are plenty of other customers out there.”  Or “I have made sales before so there is no reason why I shouldn’t succeed this time.”  It is about finding thoughts that lead to an emotional state that helps you manage the situation.  It is about trying one’s best but understanding that the world is an uncertain place.  It is about accepting one’s fallibility as a human being and yet doing what one can to make the most of oneself, others and all the situations in which one finds oneself.

So CBT can help the bus drivers, or others who get resentful and bad-tempered in their work, to realise that they do, in fact, have a choice in the way they respond to the situations they face every day.  If they are choosing to remain in their current job they can choose, in Stoic fashion, to make the most of things and may well be happier as a result.  It is the flick of a mental switch.  If they choose to leave they will be doing so in strength and not in anger or desperation.  It is not about not acknowledging their emotions.  It is about realizing that their emotions are showing them that they need to review their life and consider what action they could take to achieve greater happiness and fulfilment.  There are always options of approach, though sometimes we don’t see them.  What are your options to make the most of the situations you may face over the next week?

Answer to Comment: I have been asked how to manage if someone is constantly negative.  How do you help someone who can’t see that they have a choice to ‘flick that mental switch’.  Well, the most helpful way I have found is to ask questions and also watch out for generalisations and black and white thinking.  Words to observe are ‘EVERYTHING… goes wrong’ or ‘NOTHING … is working’ or ‘this will NEVER work’ or ‘NOONE ever helps me’.  It is very unlikely that this is the case and the most logical people can sometimes totally lose their perspective when they get into the habit of negative thinking.  You need to help them get specific in order to help them realize that their current thinking is both irrational, unhelpful and  probably out of perspective.  Some questions you could try: “How does that attitude or approach help you to achieve what you are trying to achieve?” “What IS going right?” “Who IS helping you?” “Do you have evidence that it will never work?” “Has any aspect of it ever worked in the past?”  It can also help to show people that they have greater choice by copying other people’s responses - eg “Would everyone respond in this way?”  “How might x manage this situation?” “How might someone else manage this?”  This can show them that there are options.  Help them, also, to consider what it is they really want to achieve - what would success look like, feel like, be like.  This can get them out of the problem and start working on the solution.  Hope that helps! Helen

This week’s survey into social mobility both surprises and depresses me.   I would have said that many of those who are leading organisations of all kinds today have brought themselves up to powerful and influential positions despite what some of them refer to as a ‘humble’ beginning.  It is depressing, however, to learn that there are still many children seemingly unable to lift themselves out of the limitations of their background.

We are good at knocking ourselves in this country – what we have not achieved, rather than what we have achieved.  We knock ourselves for our Empire despite the fact that there were and still are other nations who have wielded Empirical power over others, sometimes to worse effect.  We knock ourselves for our class system despite the fact that there are a majority of societies globally who practice a class system that is equally entrenched.   I would argue that it is the fact that we focus on the negatives and knock ourselves for our inadequacies that plays a part in holding children back from social mobility.

The media in the form of newspaper comment, advertising and television productions perpetuates our now surely outdated class and social system.  How many role models for success are there in our soap operas?  Stereotypes that are 30+ years outdated are the images that our young watch on a daily basis.  It is time that our children’s programmes and soaps gave more examples of children deciding to go for an academic or career challenge that neither their parents nor peers would expect for them.  These programmes would need to demonstrate how difficult this can be – how people, including those who love you, will try to dissuade you and hold you back.  People are sadly so often the result of the expectations of their peer group and their families rather than the reality of the breadth of opportunities that are open to them.  We need to be very careful to whom we listen.

Our educational system is not necessarily equipped to help young people see the opportunities that exist  for them.  Teachers are plagued by government targets and demanding conditions in the classroom – they do not necessarily have the time or experience to look beyond the confines of the traditional when they give advice to young people about careers.  Inevitably it is difficult to keep up with  the large numbers of careers that have come into existence only in the last 5 years due to technological development so young people are still being shortchanged on good advice as to how to develop their potential.

These young people also need to learn the art of self-promotion and social skills if they are to rise beyond the limited expectations of their community.  We live in a multi-cultural society today and yet the British love of understatement still holds strong and serves us badly in a world where young people from other cultures are able to articulate their strengths more effectively.  Recently I was given two examples of this – in meeting an artist who introduced himself as “I’m an unsuccessful artist” and conversing with a leading gastroenterologist who introduced himself as “I’m really just a plumber”.  As an English person I knew precisely that this meant that the artist was successful and selling at his current exhibition; and that the gastroenterologist spent his day managing state-of-the-art lasers and mind-blowingly precise technical equipment in order to save lives.  But would anyone else know this?  Others may have thought that it was charmingly self-deprecating in that oh-so-British way but the danger is that people who do not know the quirks of our culture will take these statements at their face value.

I am continually dismayed that whenever one suggests to anyone young or old that they need to learn to identify and articulate their strengths in order to succeed that they reject the idea as something too ‘American’.  In running coaching sessions and training courses for people of all ages the majority of them tell me that they have never been taught in any way how to make the best of themselves or identify behaviours that will help them to succeed.   We are letting our young down if we do not do this.  The young from poorer migrant backgrounds will drive their success from a sense of survival and determination.  Those from an education that is more American in style will have learnt how to use their body language, voice and personal information so as to express the specific strengths and skills that they have to offer to an academic college or work organisation. Our children deserve help in this.  We do not have to become arrogant or loud-mouthed but surely we do need to feel confident in expressing those areas in which we are skilled.

Our book FUTURE DIRECTIONS addresses these issues specifically as do our coaching sessions in schools and the workplace  (www.positiveworks.com) but we need to influence matters on a wide scale in order to help children to see beyond the doubts and limitations that others put on them.  It is challenging to break out of cultural traditions and expectations but plenty of people have done this successfully and schools , parents and social workers need to support children by opening their minds to the many possibilities that exist in this life rather than settling for the easy option. In my 50-something years I have seen real progress towards a meritocracy in our society so let’s focus on this progress and build on it further.   If this happens hopefully the next survey will demonstrate that greater social mobility is increasingly achievable in the UK.

“Disgraced” Aitken to head prison reform research run the headlines in the media and surely in this one sentence is precisely the reason why prisoners or those who commit misdemeanours find it so difficult to be rebilitated successfully into our society.  For Profumo it took a lifetime; forever “disgraced” and unforgiven however many good works are carried out after the event.

If we continue to judge and label people for the crime or weakness they committed many years earlier, for which they have paid their rightful penance, what hope is there for them to move on and reinvent themselves as someone who can behave well and be a useful part of society?  This is precisely the prejudice prisoners face and the reason why prison is so seldom a successful means of rehabilitation.  Prejudice drives society’s perceptions of offenders and this in turn drives their own perceptions of themselves resulting in insufficient confidence or esteem to hack it in the world outside prison.  I hold no torch for Aitken but certainly believe that he should be judged for who he is today, not who he was 8 or more years ago, and for prison reform is it not better to seek the opinion of someone who has ‘inside’ knowledge?

The problem of other people’s stuck perceptions is just as relevant to anyone going through personal change.  Colleagues, family and friends frequently wish to label you and see you as who you were rather than who you are today, let alone who you are seeking to become in future.  This is why so many change programmes fail: habitual perceptions, habitual behaviours, however constructive or unconstructive, are what others have become used to and so it is often easier to hold a person into old patterns and block their progress rather than face the discomfort of change.  Very often it is those nearest and dearest to you who hold you back as they are threatened by what you might become and how it will affect them personally.  But equally it can be people who have never met you or know of you rather than know you who refuse to open their eyes to the fact that people can and do learn and change as they go through life. 

How difficult it seems to be for humans to truly and wholeheartedly support another person’s transformation.  Yet it is often when people make mistakes that they learn their hardest but most useful lessons in life and often experience a kind of epiphany.  We only need to look at the lives of saints and great people to see that frequently the early part of their story was a difficult one.  Look back at your own life and consider whether you have not learnt some wisdom over the last ten years?  Would you wish to be labelled for some misdemeanour you committed years ago?

Whether a prisoner or not people need the support of others in order to successfully change behaviour.  They also need to learn skills both cognitive and behavioural in order to become the person they want to be: it is unlikely to happen without.    Why don’t we open up our eyes to see the potential of what someone could become rather than seeing them as some kind of outdated and faded image of a person they once were?  Until we do this we shall continue to have the problems we have in our society with both juveniles and adults reoffending because people respond to how we treat them.  There is plenty of research to demonstrate that when someone is treated as successful they become successful.  It is for this reason that a coach can support individual and organisational change through constant reinforcement of the new and constructive behaviours that lead to future success.  See www.http://www.positiveworks.com/coaching/executive.htm

I went to the National Gallery today.  Wandered around the Italian, Dutch and English paintings.  A feast for the eyes and much to consider with regard to the influences of the times.  Wonderful depictions of faces, hands, eyes, emotions, relationships, government, power.  Scenes of love, adoration, war, violence through the ages; somehow putting into context the experiences of today.  An exhibition on Work, Rest and Play which certainly puts into perspective today’s experiences of stress at work, realizing how harsh the conditions were for previous generations where there was no help for those in need, no social services, no dole, only starvation.  The pressures have changed and become more psychological than physical but the human condition is and has always been one of challenge and occasional joy. 

Thinking how important it is for today’s children and young people to have the opportunity to visit our art galleries and spend a moment of quiet time (as galleries are always quiet places) in the midst of the noise that is the 21st century (ipods, hi fi, television, Sony game stations etc) visiting the experiences of previous eras and also experiencing that quiet reflection of times gone by, of how artists perceived the human experience of life through the ages, and of the opportunity to put into perspective the experience of today.  May teachers and parents take these moments and share them - the marvellous collections of our art galleries and museums are free of charge for young and old: what an incredible gift to share, and one that can shape our view of life and humanity for a lifetime.

Happiness training for all school pupils?  I think it is a great idea, provided it is based on positive and constructive models of thinking.  Most of our coaching clients ask us “why weren’t we taught these skills earlier in life - we should have had them when we were at school”.  I quite agree.  I was a real late-starter - only learning about thinking strategies and stress management techniques when I was 42.  The majority of our clients are also about this age and immediately say that they are going to share the methods with their children.

It was for this reason that my colleague Diane Carrington and I wrote our book FUTURE DIRECTIONS, Practical Ways to Develop Emotional Intelligence and Confidence in Young People - see http://www.positiveworks.com/education/futuredirections.htm.  Whether you are a teacher, social worker or parent this book is full of practical advice, tips and exercises to help develop self-respect and positive thinking in young people.

Looking at the problems we have in our society today with young people I feel certain that if we could help young people feel confident then they would realize that they have other options in how they behave.  They don’t have to respond to challenging situations in a knee-jerk way but can stop and think about the consequences of their actions.  They can check themselves and question whether their anger could be eased by counting or walking away, whether their expectations of how others should behave towards them are rational and helpful.  Simple techniques can be provided to physically relax and identify behaviours and actions that will benefit them and others.   They don’t have to think about negative emotions other than to realize that they have a choice as to whether they transform those negative emotions to positive ones.

We have trialled the exercises with young people in a variety of schools, some of whom had major problems such as pending exclusion and self-harming, and we have seen a measured improvement in emotional intelligence in all those who have used our ideas and exercises.  Go to our tips pages for a few ideas - and support Ed Balls in his project to introduce Happiness training in schools! http://www.positiveworks.com/newsoffers/confidencetips.htm