Healing emotion is incredibly important.  We all experience emotions every day of our lives and each one of us has had happiness but also sadness, disappointment, resentments and anxieties.  Some of these can get ‘stuck’ in our bodies through our emotional memories.  Our body has an intelligence and is constantly monitoring our emotional state for basic survival reasons but also to ensure that our emotional as well as physical needs are met.  The body stores information about how you tensed up when you gave that presentation to your boss, or were told off by a teacher in the classroom, were fearful at night in the dark as a child, were bullied by a colleague, felt dejected at the end of a relationship, or excited by the prospect of a new home.

Descartes separated mind and body, saying that only God was in charge of the mind but he lived before the era of science .  We are one system, mind and body and now that we are able to view the inner workings of the brain and body with fMRI scans we can see that what happens in the mind immediately affects the body by sending out stress alert signals that change our chemistry and what happens in the body immediately affects our mind by altering the balance of oxygen, CO2 and blood that is available to our ‘thinking’ brain.

All of this is highly relevant to each one of our lives whether at work and needing to think clearly about complex things or at home where we are juggling personal relationships and tasks at the same time as trying to take care of our own needs.

I have been thinking a great deal about this recently in writing my new book EMOTIONAL HEALING FOR DUMMIES which I wrote with Dr David Beales, a medical doctor specialising in mind-body and behavioural medicine.  Sharing experiences of clients and patients we realise that people who are having difficulty speaking up either at work or at home may experience problems with their jaw, those who are feeling ‘put upon’ by others may have physical ailments around neck and shoulders as the ‘burden’ of demands becomes too difficult to manage, others who have back problems as they need to stand up for themselves in some way, people who are fearful go into spasm.  So our emotional feelings impact our health and daily wellbeing but we can heal them by focus of mind – exploring the issues, taking a breathing space to reflect on what it is you personally need to do or say in the situation, learning new thoughts and behaviours that will help you to take action to solve the problems.

So roll over Descartes: my argument is that it is you who are in charge of your mind and your health through what you choose to focus on.  If you have emotions that are causing you difficulties – old resentments at the way your parents treated you or what life has dealt you, or anger at a partner who walked out on you then it is likely that it is not only disturbing your everyday life but is also impacting your health in a negative way.

So take action on this and improve your quality of life by taking a look at our book on EMOTIONAL HEALING FOR DUMMIES – we can offer you a special offer of 25% discount including free postage and packing if you go to http://eu.wiley.com/WileyCDA/WileyTitle/productCd-0470747641.html and quote the promotional code VA682.  You can use the same link to get a 25% discount on my book COGNITIVE-BEHAVIOURAL COACHING TECHNIQUES FOR DUMMIES too, quoting the same promotional code.

And so another year is over and here is an opportunity once more to shape the year ahead by thinking about what kind of year you would choose to have in 2010.  What you might change, what you might drop and what new people or activities you might choose to bring into your lives? 

Each day is precious and it is an interesting balance to treasure the day you have and accept the current situation you find yourself in and yet at the same time consider whether certain changes could make your life and work more fulfilling.  It is always worth taking the time to stop and reflect, to step back and get a helicopter view of your life so that you can see more clearly what matters most to you and what action you really need to take for your physical, emotional and professional wellbeing.

It has been an interesting year for Positiveworks.  My book Cognitive-Behavioural Coaching Techniques for Dummies was published in March and has received favourable feedback that it is a useful manual and workbook for coaches to apply in coaching sessions.  It can also give insights for self-coaching. http://eu.wiley.com/WileyCDA/WileyTitle/productCd-0470713798.html

My new book, Emotional Healing for Dummies, written with Dr David Beales, has just come out so take a look on our website and on Amazon and buy buy buy!  http://www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_ss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=emotional+healing+for+dummies

 We have written this book to help readers manage difficult emotions more easily and also work through old pain that might still be interfering with their quality of life today.  This is not to diminish the reality of trauma or pain but our philosophy is that these events do not have to overshadow the rest of your life so the book offers methods to unlock both the physiology and burden of old emotional disturbance so that you can return to a greater enjoyment of every moment.

Positiveworks have also recently partnered with the idiscover team at NESTA (National Endowment for Science Technology and the Arts) to offer courses to help young people develop their creativity.  See www.nesta.org.uk for more information.  Diane Carrington and our team continue to do what we can to enable young people to identify and value their innate talents and strengths so as to develop their potential.  This benefits us all in the long run.

So this blog seems to be about enjoying the day, valuing the moment, appreciating the richness of your experiences, good and difficult, and making the most of life.  Happy Christmas from us all and we wish you a very happy and healthy and hopefully prosperous 2010!

Helen and all at Positiveworks

If there is one thing that seems to be missing from life today it is the ability to stop and think.  Whether it be politicians working the system, bankers following profit, business leaders seeking endless growth, NHS staff pursuing targets, teachers focusing on league tables, academics ego-driven to publish rather than teach, gang leaders stuck on pride, parents trying to be all things to all people,  there would appear to be a lack of ‘observation’ of self.   I don’t think that many people intended wrong.  But what was happening that people were so busy ‘doing’ that they only woke up after the event?  What stopped them taking the time to reflect?  Explanations such as “within the rules” demonstrate that there was little individual thought, just a following of the herd.

Perhaps, as the writer AE Houseman suggested, “Three minutes’ thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time.”  So thinking is just too much trouble and we perceive we don’t have time for it.  And yet without it we are lost, for there is a need to consider:

·         The consequences of one’s actions

·         The way others might perceive your actions

·         The balance of risk to self and others

·         Whether following targets may actually prejudice the wellbeing of others

·         Whether it is better to follow targets than human kindness and consideration

·         Whether actions reflect the things you say you stand for and believe in

·         The ideal world that we seek to create rather than the fear-driven image conjured up by the media

Without consideration we act in a fog, unable to determine what is good or evil, what we want and what we don’t.  Most of all we lose the oft-spoken-of ‘moral compass’.   So how to set the course for a more mindful future?

First things first: make time to stop and reflect on life and on your thoughts about how you want it to be.  In these moments don’t read a book, watch tv, take a telephone call, surf the net, wonder what your BlackBerry might have waiting for you.  Just stop.  We get so little opportunity for silence.  The sounds of traffic, planes and people interrupt and if you aren’t listening to your own Ipod there is often someone next to you on the bus who is!  So be calm, watch the sky, listen to the birds, or just acclimatize to silence.  Be there, wherever you are, and call in your senses so that you feel a part of the larger whole.  This allows the stillness you need for clear thinking.

In this time consider:

·         What you agree with and what you don’t

·         The values and ethics that you stand for and expect and desire others to stand for

·         Whether you have got things out of perspective – are too negative or too positive, are seeing everything in generalisations such as ‘no-one, nothing, everything, always, never’ or are able to be specific and rational about what you are talking about.

·         Whether you are making assumptions that your own voice won’t make a difference.

·         Whether you are throwing stones at others when actually you may be equally fallible.

·         How others might be interpreting your behaviours.

·         Whether you fear alienation if you say something contrary to popular or peer opinion

·         What actions you might take to lead a life that reflects your beliefs

I do have some suggested methods to offer you  in my latest book COGNITIVE-BEHAVIOURAL COACHING TECHNIQUES FOR DUMMIES.  Although there are a couple of chapters that are specifically written for coaches the book provides tools and techniques for anyone to develop the thinking skills necessary to check whether you are approaching situations in a rational, constructive and mindful way.  Thinking models are relevant to all age groups.   The link from Amazon is: http://www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_ss_b_0_30?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=cognitive+behavioural+coaching+techniques+for+dummies&sprefix=cOGNITIVE+BEHAVIOURAL+COACHING

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So far comments have been

“I really loved the way you put the exercises together”….. “I already have put your book in my bathroom to read, I am sure it will be helpful to certain people we know”… “It is so full of useful information and tips that I have marked almost every page.  It has also made me think about myself in a way I hadn’t done before – about my views, beliefs, prejudices”… “The CBC book is very good. I am halfway through, and that’s because I have been trying to prise it away from my wife” … “It is a major achievement, there is so much information there – it is really impressive “I hope that you enjoy it and find it useful. 

Let’s not let the endless doom and gloom get to us.  The media and the government seem to love battering us with miserable stories but they weren’t exactly brilliant at predicting the current crisis or protecting us from it were they?  So maybe they are all missing something that’s just around the corner that could actually go right - who knows?!  After all, just after the last recession we got the internet and digital boom … so do get creative and get us out of this one… :>)

Our parents and grandparents lived through far worse, with world wars and a far less generous social system than we have today to support us.  They lived with years of uncertainty that was not just economic but life-threatening.  Talk to them about it, or to your elderly neighbour – you often find that the ‘old dear’ down the road has actually driven tanks and parachuted out of planes… far braver than battling the bugs on the District Line every morning.

But of course misery and negativity depletes our immune system so it is hardly surprising that we have a record number of flu and cold bugs going around.  So focus on the positive and at least you are more likely to stay healthy and live longer as there is now a good body of evidence to show that optimism and happiness increase health, longevity and wellbeing.  (And if you’re worrying about how on earth you’ll afford to live longer then optimism also increases your chances of success in sales and career and it can be learned – through Positiveworks of course! www.positiveworks.com )

The human mind tends to fret about things that may never happen.  So enjoy what is going right.  And if today you have some money in the bank, a job perhaps, a roof over your head, a pet, a friend, someone you love, or someone who knows and understands you then rejoice.  A quick scan of world events shows us that the problems we face in the UK may be difficult but nothing like as bad as in some other parts of the world.

Also can we please have a revival of common sense: it has been under-rated recently and it has a lot going for it.   Many regulations assume we have none of our own – that we have to be warned that we could cut ourselves if we aren’t careful how we use scissors to unwrap our Christmas presents.  Surely we know that this is the case, that life can be risky – that grass is slippery when wet.  Don’t we?

So listen to your heart.  Intuition has been proven by recent research to be spot on in helping us make decisions.  But you knew that didn’t you – you didn’t need a University research project to tell you.  If something feels right, do it; if something doesn’t feel right then don’t.  Intuition usually speaks to you through your body – if you feel tense with someone it is for a reason; if you feel light and happy with another person then there is a message in it.  You don’t need books to tell you this: you just need to tune back into your self.  (But of course do buy my latest book Cognitive-Behavioural Coaching for Dummies http://eu.wiley.com/WileyCDA/WileyTitle/productCd-0470713798.html )

The Credit Crunch has raised discussion about excess and ‘affluenza’.  Certainly a rebalancing of what is realistic and sustainable is required at all levels.  But there is little point in waging a war on wealth-creation in itself.   There is no intrinsic goodness in poverty: in fact poverty divides and wrecks individuals and communities.  Several people are now admitting that they ‘always knew’ that what they were doing in lending money to people who couldn’t afford it was wrong but they did it anyway in order to follow a target, gain a perk. Similarly others took on debt that they knew they couldn’t afford.  So follow your own moral compass of what is right or wrong but honest toil is certainly nothing to be ashamed of.  If we make money we are able to employ others, avoid living off the State, be philanthropic and give to charities. I found this quite an interesting article on this subject:

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/leading_article/article5391496.ece

New perspectives are what is called for, not a return to what was.  Einstein commented that we can’t solve a problem from the same place in which we created it.  When it comes to your own life get creative and look at situations anew.  Spend 30 minutes identifying as many ways as possible of finding a solution.  The HBDI Herrmann thinking profile works brilliantly to stretch your brain and ensure you integrate creativity and realism, see http://www.positiveworks.com/products/thinkingpref.htm

You can change things: every voice matters.  Even if it is just to develop a positive energy around you at home or at work.  But if you care about something, write a letter to a paper or your MP or to Boris, write a blog, comment on a website, join a lobby group, volunteer for a charity, smile at someone on the tube, do any small thing that expresses what you feel strongly about.  You may not be able to change the world, or your whole organisation, or the government, or the country but you can make a difference to those immediately close to you and surely that is worth doing.  

Finally, fun doesn’t have to cost much.  We can enjoy family, friends, good health, kitchen suppers, books, reading, listening to music, making love, dancing, going to an art gallery, playing with the paint pot your aunt bought for the kids, walking in the park, all at minimal cost.  So let’s act to make this year a really good one and prove those doom and gloom merchants thoroughly wrong!

Happy 2009! Helen

7 Ideas about travelling hopefully through the economic downturn

The news is all thoroughly glum isn’t it.  Every day there seems to be yet another story of economic doom and gloom and global break-down.  So I thought I would share with you some of the things we could try to remember in these challenging times:

1.       Focus on the positive.  The one thing we do have control of is our mental and emotional approach to how we manage the situation.  I am not suggesting that the situation is not serious: I am sure that it is.  But we can either allow our thoughts to increase our sense of anxiety such as “I can’t stand this situation: it is ghastly and it is just going to get worse” or we can develop thoughts such as “this is a very challenging situation but I can manage it step by step and remain optimistic” so as to generate a feeling of calm and confidence.  When we are stressed we are stupid and make stupid decisions: and we can’t afford to make bad decisions at this time so take a deep breath and decide to feel in control.  

2.       Focus on what we can control:  decide what we can change and what we can’t.  We are living through unprecedented times: no expert – politician or economist – actually knows what the solutions are so the important thing is for us to focus on those aspects of our life that we can control and not spend too much time worrying about what we can’t.  What can we do?  Perhaps we can watch our cash flow, save money, invest it carefully, put our all into the work we are doing, seek new career avenues and opportunities.  Perhaps we can nurture the relationships and support systems we have and support those whom we love and with whom we live and work.  In essence, travel hopefully and make every day as enjoyable as it can be.   Each decision we make becomes more important and will take more consideration so as to ensure that we taking action where we can and accepting what we can’t change.

3.       Focus on personal values.  We need to flex to the changing circumstances of the economic world but the focus that can keep us sane is holding on to our personal principles and values.  Doing this is not always easy but virtually always raises self-esteem and is more likely to set you on the right pathway for your own unique destiny rather than following the crowd. Groupthink can lead to panic and to not thinking wisely (look at what has just been happening when people all over the world got swept up on a wave of economic practice that was not sustainable). The pull of the crowd is strong and it takes courage to stand alone but ultimately in my experience it leads us towards those people who share our values and can support our aspirations.

4.       Get real. Work with facts and evidence, not with supposition and imagining what might happen – because it may never happen.   If we buy into all the fear that the media and governments are setting up we could waste several months if not years of our lives living in fear, to no good avail.  Unprecedented times mean that forthcoming events are unpredictable so we may simply not have the mental models available to imagine what they might look like – and you never know, things could turn out to be better than we imagine! 

5.       Look for the opportunities.  In every downturn there is opportunity.  I have lived through three major periods of economic difficulty – the 1970s (when we had a 3-day week, power cuts to offices, rubbish uncollected in the streets), the 1980s and Black Monday, and the recession of the 1990s – when I set up Positiveworks.  They don’t last forever and there are always those who prosper despite them.  We can either button down the hatches and decide that everything is going to be ghastly or we can choose to travel wisely and hopefully and look for new opportunities, new ways of working, new ways of living.  There  are 2 books out that might be of interest to you: one called When Markets Collide – Investment Strategies for the Age of Global Economic Change.  You can check it out on http://business.timesonline.co.uk/tol/business/economics/article4968973.ece . The other is The Tiger That Isn’t: Seeing Through a World of Numbers.  You can check this one out in an article in The Times entitled ‘Crash! Boom! Disaster! That’s enough crazy talk’ see http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/columnists/guest_contributors/article4981188.ece 

6.       Be discerning.  The media has decided long ago that it is only bad news that sells newspapers – so that is what they focus on.  They seldom tell us of all the many good things that are going on in the world.  Comment always comes with an agenda too: so listen carefully to who is doing the reporting – and why.  We might remind ourselves as we read or listen to the news that what is actually happening is as much about what is not reported as about what is.

7.       Get creative. If the old world has gone let’s consider the shape of the new world in a proactive way: it takes the sum of our individual efforts to make change a positive experience.  Each one of us has more creativity and innovation within us than we might be aware of – it is time for us to get fired up about how to make this period of global downturn a time when we shift our thinking and approach to deciding what kind of new world we want to build.  If we focus on negativity and fear this is what we will shape; if we focus on constructive optimism and innovation we may be able to shape something new and exciting that is grounded in wise principles and a sense of inclusion that could benefit us all.  This is our challenge: let’s rise to it! 

What new world do you want to create and what action might you take to create it?

Teenagers and Anger Management

Why have we got so much violence and aggression on our streets?  It is so depressing to read endless tragic stories of teenagers stabbed or shot; to see girls kick one another in the head, and to watch football fans attacking policemen.  What is happening?  More to the point, what can we do about it?

I have three solutions: anger management, parenting classes and an end to sadistic video games.

(1) Anger management and emotional intelligence are lifeskills that can be taught.  At Positiveworks we specialise in training and coaching people from 13 years to 70+ and most of them say “why didn’t we learn this before?” Cognitive-behavioural methods  provide practical and powerful tools to enable people to stop, breathe and evaluate the consequence of something they are about to say or do.  Most anger comes from the need to have the world exactly the way we want it to be.  As babies we scream and the consequence is that we gain the attention of our parents: that is a survival mechanism.  Our needs are addressed.  Emotional maturity comes when we come to realize, as we grow up, that screaming for attention can alienate; that other people have needs too and that there needs to be compromise.  Instead of thinking “Dina must do what I want her to”, with Cognitive-behavioural models we can learn to think “I would rather Dina did what I wanted her to but I can manage it if she doesn’t”.  It’s not rocket science but it does work.   Children need to be given these insights and techniques at an early age.  See http://www.positiveworks.com/education/futuredirections.htm

(2) Which comes to my second solution: enlighten parents about these methods so that they can pass them on to their children.  Watching the fly-on-the-wall documentaries about families it is clear that parents frequently lose their rag with their children – and so the children learn that this is acceptable behaviour, when in fact it is not.  Parenting classes can help mothers and fathers to experience for themselves how to manage anger, how to access a calm state of mind and how to learn to treat one another, and their children, with dignity and respect by learning assertiveness (not aggressive) skills. Coaches Diane Carrington and Antonia Fernand work in this field, see http://www.positiveworks.com/coaches/team.htm

(3) Put a stop to easy access of violent and sadistic computer games.  Why do we have to have games such as Grand Theft Auto IV so readily available?  I simply can’t understand why people are not making a link between violent games and the violence we see on the street.  Susan Greenfield, the leading brain scientist, [ID: The Quest for Identity in the 21^st Century by Susan Greenfield, Hodder & Stoughton]has made a link between the corrosive effect of computer games and the potential for young people to lose their sense of reality as a result of continuous boosting of the chemical dopamine in the brain’s pleasure centre.  Too much dopamine can distort a child’s awareness of the meaning of their actions.  Looking at the cold unemotional faces of some of the young men recently sentenced for senseless murders one does begin to see that this is becoming a reality.  They literally didn’t seem to have any concept of what they had done; no understanding of the emotional trauma that bereaved families were going through.

These are the first generations to have access to such sadistic and realistic images.  The brain’s memory works in images.  The advertising companies know this; lobbying campaigns know this so why do people continue to say that violent images carry no impact?  It has just been reported in The Times, 17.5.08, that psychologists are finding that they can cure phobias using virtual reality scenarios – a fear of flying, binge-eating and post-traumatic stress are being treated with video games.  A war veteran has commented that after a while it doesn’t seem like a video game, it seems like reality.  This is using the technology for a positive purpose.  If there is evidence that it can influence in a positive way it surely goes without saying that it can influence in a negative way and that becoming immersed in violent games and films eventually distorts a person’s sense of reality and normalizes aggression. 

As Positiveworks we seek to help people to see the positive in themselves, in others and to realize that, within the ups and downs of life, one does not have to be a victim of circumstance but can make decisions to move on and make the most of life.  Is it not time for teachers, parents and the producers of video games to cooperate so as to help teenagers take control of their thinking, to learn what thoughts are rational and helpful, and to learn how to manage their emotions and treat themselves and others with dignity.  My colleagues and I have achieved measurable results in developing emotional intelligence in young people: let’s spread this skill more widely. www.positiveworks.com

How is the year going?  I wonder if you got time to think about the questions I asked in my New Year blog? How are the New Year Resolutions coming along – or didn’t you make any?!

It is quite a difficult time of the year in the UK – the grey skies and chilly winds make it hard to keep cheerful.  Recently there has been a survey on happiness trends by the economist Andrew Oswald – see www.andrewoswald.com.  His research has shown that there is a worldwide U-shaped dip in happiness in our middle years, peaking at around 40-44 and possibly accounting for the ‘mid-life crisis’.

Certainly this is my experience personally, and in my professional work as a coach I find that a large number of my clients are between the ages of 35-45.  I think this is a natural time to review life and work decisions.  In their early years people often adapt to their family, peer and social environment so as to be accepted in society and find work.  After a few years they are in a better position to look back and question whether the lifestyle and career that they have chosen really suits them.  It is as if their inner self demands to come out and find expression in the world.  A good book to help understand this is The Soul’s Code by James Hillman (http://www.positiveworks.com/products/reading.htm ), where Hillman talks about the fact that everyone is born with a unique spark and how at some stage of life this uniqueness that lies within each of us demands attention and release.

Happiness, though, is an ephemeral state and to seek it on a continual basis could be to deny other less comfortable but nonetheless valid emotions.  Emotions are there to give us cues to action.  If people feel less happy in the mid-years it is probably because there is something in their life that their unconscious knows is not in alignment with who they truly are.  This translates into a restlessness for change and so people do radical things like change career, break up relationships, move to another place or country, come out sexually, write a novel or develop their creativity.    It is not easy for those around them and frequently not easy for the individual either, which is why many people choose to have the support of a coach (http://www.positiveworks.com/coaching/index.htm) to help them clarify their decisions. 

I suspect the U-shape of happiness towards the end of life again relates more to a contentment about being able to be oneself, not someone who is adapting to gain the approval of family and society.  Throughout our lives I think we are honing this ability to be the individual we are born to be.  This is particularly observable in teenage years where a child is beginning the major separation process from the parent.  People tend to shift again in their mid-twenties when they have begun to make a place in the world and are no longer financially dependent on their parents so have greater freedom to express themselves with or without the approval of family.  The process, therefore, is not a one-off experience at 40 but frequently the mid-life crisis tends to be the most radical. However, as we are living longer people in their 50s and 60s and beyond are also making major changes.  A good book on this subject is Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes by William Bridges (http://www.positiveworks.com/products/reading.htm).

So, as we start the new year it is a good time to review whether the life you are living is reflective of your inner self or whether there are some minor - or indeed major changes -you could make that could help you to align your outer world of life and work with your inner world.  If so, you may find that a coach can help you through the process of challenge and analysis and at the same time can help you to be gentle with yourself and with those around you.

So we enter 2008 and a new year is always a great opportunity to reflect and renew one’s sense of purpose and direction.  Last night I was with friends and we shared our thoughts about the old year and our aims and hopes for the new year.  And so I shall share with you the questions we asked ourselves so that you can reflect on them for yourself and identify a focus for your year ahead should you choose to do so.  It is the energy that you create in every moment – how you feel internally and how you behave externally – that draws towards you the people, events and situations that mirror how you are and the direction in which you are headed.  The secret is to behave ‘as if’ you had those goals achieved already – whether they are external goals or simply a desire to feel happier and more content in yourself.I sincerely hope that your year ahead is a great one for you and that your own good will and energy spread some joy amongst all those whom you encounter. Here are some questions for you:

Some reflections on 2007:What are 3 things you enjoyed about 2007?

What are 3 things you feel you contributed during 2007?

What are 3 things you want to leave behind with the old year?

What are 3 things you learnt during the course of 2007?

Some plans for 2008:If you could think of one word you would like to use to describe 2008 – if we were to meet in one year’s time - what would it be?

What is one thing you would like or need to focus on to make it the year your word describes?

What are 3 things you would practically like to achieve?

What are some of the events, situations, feelings and qualities you would like to experience for yourself and others during 2008?

What would you wish for your family and loved ones over the next year?

What would you wish for the world over the next year?

What would you wish for your local community over the next year?

What would you wish for the human race over the next year?

What would you wish for your friends over the next year?

How can you make sure you have some fun and laughter?

What message would you like to give world leaders?  Is there anything you could do to bring any of this about?Now describe how you need to be if you are to act ‘as if’ the year will bring you all you want…Good luck! Helen

Positive expectations attract positive behaviours and results.  Today I saw a young teenage boy who has got into a habit of arguing with his mother.  This was drawing them both into a circle of negative behaviour which made neither happy.  Young people are full of potential and when we treat them as such they blossom.  When he treats his mother well she blossoms.  In fact when we treat others as we would wish to be treated ourselves everyone wins.  So if you have a difficult relationship with someone try acting as if the relationship is working well and have positive expectations that it will… and see what happens.

If anyone feels like giving to our favourite charity please go to the website of the Foundation for the Study of Infant Deaths - http://www.fsid.org.uk/

This week’s survey into social mobility both surprises and depresses me.   I would have said that many of those who are leading organisations of all kinds today have brought themselves up to powerful and influential positions despite what some of them refer to as a ‘humble’ beginning.  It is depressing, however, to learn that there are still many children seemingly unable to lift themselves out of the limitations of their background.

We are good at knocking ourselves in this country – what we have not achieved, rather than what we have achieved.  We knock ourselves for our Empire despite the fact that there were and still are other nations who have wielded Empirical power over others, sometimes to worse effect.  We knock ourselves for our class system despite the fact that there are a majority of societies globally who practice a class system that is equally entrenched.   I would argue that it is the fact that we focus on the negatives and knock ourselves for our inadequacies that plays a part in holding children back from social mobility.

The media in the form of newspaper comment, advertising and television productions perpetuates our now surely outdated class and social system.  How many role models for success are there in our soap operas?  Stereotypes that are 30+ years outdated are the images that our young watch on a daily basis.  It is time that our children’s programmes and soaps gave more examples of children deciding to go for an academic or career challenge that neither their parents nor peers would expect for them.  These programmes would need to demonstrate how difficult this can be – how people, including those who love you, will try to dissuade you and hold you back.  People are sadly so often the result of the expectations of their peer group and their families rather than the reality of the breadth of opportunities that are open to them.  We need to be very careful to whom we listen.

Our educational system is not necessarily equipped to help young people see the opportunities that exist  for them.  Teachers are plagued by government targets and demanding conditions in the classroom – they do not necessarily have the time or experience to look beyond the confines of the traditional when they give advice to young people about careers.  Inevitably it is difficult to keep up with  the large numbers of careers that have come into existence only in the last 5 years due to technological development so young people are still being shortchanged on good advice as to how to develop their potential.

These young people also need to learn the art of self-promotion and social skills if they are to rise beyond the limited expectations of their community.  We live in a multi-cultural society today and yet the British love of understatement still holds strong and serves us badly in a world where young people from other cultures are able to articulate their strengths more effectively.  Recently I was given two examples of this – in meeting an artist who introduced himself as “I’m an unsuccessful artist” and conversing with a leading gastroenterologist who introduced himself as “I’m really just a plumber”.  As an English person I knew precisely that this meant that the artist was successful and selling at his current exhibition; and that the gastroenterologist spent his day managing state-of-the-art lasers and mind-blowingly precise technical equipment in order to save lives.  But would anyone else know this?  Others may have thought that it was charmingly self-deprecating in that oh-so-British way but the danger is that people who do not know the quirks of our culture will take these statements at their face value.

I am continually dismayed that whenever one suggests to anyone young or old that they need to learn to identify and articulate their strengths in order to succeed that they reject the idea as something too ‘American’.  In running coaching sessions and training courses for people of all ages the majority of them tell me that they have never been taught in any way how to make the best of themselves or identify behaviours that will help them to succeed.   We are letting our young down if we do not do this.  The young from poorer migrant backgrounds will drive their success from a sense of survival and determination.  Those from an education that is more American in style will have learnt how to use their body language, voice and personal information so as to express the specific strengths and skills that they have to offer to an academic college or work organisation. Our children deserve help in this.  We do not have to become arrogant or loud-mouthed but surely we do need to feel confident in expressing those areas in which we are skilled.

Our book FUTURE DIRECTIONS addresses these issues specifically as do our coaching sessions in schools and the workplace  (www.positiveworks.com) but we need to influence matters on a wide scale in order to help children to see beyond the doubts and limitations that others put on them.  It is challenging to break out of cultural traditions and expectations but plenty of people have done this successfully and schools , parents and social workers need to support children by opening their minds to the many possibilities that exist in this life rather than settling for the easy option. In my 50-something years I have seen real progress towards a meritocracy in our society so let’s focus on this progress and build on it further.   If this happens hopefully the next survey will demonstrate that greater social mobility is increasingly achievable in the UK.