How often do you get to relax and allow your mind and body to recover from thinking about work and chores?  We live in a busy and complex world and it is easy to forget to enjoy the simple things of life or make time for hobbies.  In simple activities such as sitting reading or listening to music, drawing, walking in the park or countryside you create a sanctuary, a protective wall where the realities of the outside world are kept at bay for a short time and you can refresh your energy and forget the bills.

When I look back on my life and childhood I realize that the times I treasured were those spent by the fireside with my parents or siblings, playing board games or reading books together.  It wasn’t grand holidays or treats to theme parks (I don’t think there were any!).  We only had one holiday abroad but wonderful holidays in the garden and an annual trip to the Broads.    Food was simple, as were clothes, but we were happy.

Today people have high aspirations and can believe that it is the expensive gadgets, homes or holidays that will make them and their family happy.  Perhaps you might find more fun on your doorstep?  What is it that you enjoy doing that helps you relax and feel able to face the world?

It takes planning to make time for relaxation, otherwise life becomes a continuous stream of things you ‘have to’ do rather than things you ‘enjoy’ doing.  I am aware from my clients and friends how difficult people find it to sit quietly, to read, to go for a walk or listen to music without the interruption of a mobile phone or BlackBerry to disturb the peace.  Technology has become a ‘fidget’ and it is easy to find yourself fiddling with your smartphone every few minutes, or tuning in to a call, text or email in the middle of a conversation instead of being fully engaged with those with whom you are spending time.  I find that many people are half-in half-out of situations, their body in one place but their mind in several different places.  You can find a greater quality of experience when your mind and body are in the same place.

We travel this fine line where we strive to protect the precious aspects of our life within the onslaught of demands from outside and endless ‘doom and gloom’ broadcasts from the media about the economy.  But if you don’t take time to relax and refresh you will find it harder to manage the ups and downs of life with equilibrium.  The delayed or cancelled train, the irritating buzz of your neighbour’s Ipod on the tube, colleagues who don’t do what they say they are going to do, or noisily crunch onion crisps at the desk next door, the boss who never says thankyou or well done will all become more stressful and difficult to manage.  Your body needs quiet times to re-balance and stay healthy, your mind to find peace.

Identify what it takes for you to relax and refresh yourself and put it in the diary.  Plan your evenings so that you do one or two things that you really enjoy rather than just collapsing in front of the TV.  Plan your weekends so that you play a game, paint a picture, go for a bike ride, take some exercise and do those things that energise you and those you love.  Don’t allow the weekend to be endless chores so that you find on Sunday night that all you have done is go to Tesco or Ikea!  Make time for downtime a priority.  What will you do this week to refresh yourself?  You can see some more tips here http://www.positiveworks.com/newsoffers/stresstips.htm .

On Air

The birds in my garden don’t listen to the news

can’t know of Assad’s brutality

or of families struggling in poverty

their exuberance counters John Humphrey’s bombast

the midges floating in spring scent disregard Ahmadinejad

or Israel’s threat of nuclear holocaust

the buds burst forth despite the Greek debt

the leaves hiphop to the wind’s gentle tune

drowning out the Dawkins’ rant

with the oblivious chatter of resurgence.

March 2011 – enjoy these spring days!

You may have seen the Horizon programme about The Truth about Exercise which featured Dr Michael Mosley investigating various proven theories about exercise and its health benefits.  The clearest message that came through to me was that sitting in a chair with little walking exercise each day kills you.  Gradually your body will deteriorate and the chemical balance destabilises.

Many of my clients have very sedentary jobs working within large organisations.  Despite my own and other people’s efforts to encourage managers to support daily exercise and help their staff to take frequent breaks there is still a depressing amount of sedentary presenteeism occurring in the workplace.  Perhaps noone has fully understood how sitting in a chair kills us?

One or two of my more enlightened client organisations encourage their staff to take breaks every hour, set up rota systems whereby people can move away from their desks to walk around or go to the gym, exhort staff to stop for a proper lunch rather than munching sandwiches over their laptop.  Not only is this kind of practice better for health – and especially long-term health – but it is also better for creative thinking and clarity of thought around decision-making.  Most people gain their best ideas away from their desk so why be chained to the least creative area of your life for the major part of the day?

What could you do today to ensure you get a good 60-90 minutes of walking?  It is proven to reduce your likelihood of diabetes and long-term health problems so it must be worth it.  As they say – YOU must be worth it!

I was an anxious child and one of my problems was that I heard noises at night, making me think that our house was under attack.  My mother would assure me that all was quiet in our house in the middle of the countryside but inside my head I could hear armies of marauding people stomping through the house.  Thinking about this now I realize that I was probably experiencing tinnitus which is a condition where people hear sounds in their ears.  It is exacerbated by stress and anxiety.

My mother was patient with me, reassuring me.  She took me by my hand through the house to demonstrate that we were not under attack and that there was no-one in the house other than our family.  This was sensible as when one is anxious it is easy to create imaginary scenes that fuel the anxiety – in my case the sounds in my head attached themselves to images of our home being under attack.  None of this was actually happening so watch where your imagination takes you!

There were two actions my mother helped me to take that are still useful to my clients today – 1. checking reality and staying in the present.  Anxiety usually results from our creating imaginary scenarios in our head of all the things that could go wrong.  These scenes may never happen so one is only making oneself anxious as a result of an over-active imagination.

2. focusing on something other than the sounds in my ears such as putting on some music, or repeating another sound, or repeating a mantra or positive phrase.

Both of these are basically helping you to stay in the present and focus on the positive through controlling the focus of your mind and senses.  I hope these tips may help any of you reading this who experience these problems.

Many years ago I woke in the middle of the night thinking I was experiencing a heart attack.  I was breathless, my heart was racing and I felt faint.  I was living on my own and the whole experienced frightened me.  I calmed my breathing down, relaxed my body and eventually returned to a state of equilibrium.  It was my first experience of a panic attack and I realized afterwards that it was my body warning me that I was doing too much and that I wasn’t taking time during the day consciously to address the challenges I was facing at the time.  My father was dying of cancer, I was in the midst of a divorce and setting up on my own in a new business, my sons needed support, my mother needed support, and I was revising for the finals of a History Degree that I had undertaken as a mature student.  It was all too much for my nervous system but I hadn’t allowed myself to think about all this, so it took my body to tell me to stop and have a rest.

Later I was grateful that I had had this experience as it has helped me to understand my clients when they describe these symptoms to me.  I have then been able to support them to look more realistically at their challenges and find ways to meet their personal needs even within times of great difficulty.  Small things can make a difference.  Getting control of calm breathing to prevent hyperventilation is important as is stopping anxiety-inducing thoughts.  But as you can see from this You-tube clip http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3SLGt8smTw your body knows you are upset even before you do so do take the time to stop and quietly look at the challenges you are facing and work out strategies that will help you manage them.  Planning how you will take care of yourself in the midst of problems enables you to keep your head even if others all around you are losing theirs!

‘I shall probably do the usual at Christmas – row with a relative!’ a friend said to me last week.  The family reunion at Christmas can be wonderful, or challenging!  We can be confronted by relatives who have well established perceptions of who we are – but perceptions and expectations of one another can be difficult to shift.  You may find yourself reverting to old behaviours or being treated as the youngest, the oldest, the ‘clever one’, the ‘sporty one’, ‘the difficult one’, ‘the clown’, etc.  But these labels can be outdated and lead to misinterpretation.  The expectations of others – and those we have of them – can limit us from revealing our true selves.

Being back within the family reminds us of the messages we received growing up: some encouraging, some critical and some no doubt frustrating!  So returning to the hearth, or having family to stay, can remind us of how our identity has been shaped and gives us the opportunity to question whether this identity is still relevant today.    What might it feel like if you were able to remove those old perceptions and labels and start again?   For a moment to imagine you have no history, no name, no role, status, or reputation within your family.  What might that feel like?  For me this felt both frightening and yet also liberating.

We all have a responsibility for our impact on others.  How might you help your family to recognise who you are today rather than seeing you as the person you were last year, or ten years ago?   What do you need to express differently?  How might you approach members of your family with new eyes and see beyond the image you may have constructed years ago, especially if that has been negative?  It’s easy to imagine that people don’t change but everyone evolves, and sometimes it’s even for the better!

If you find other people irritating over the festive period consider what their pressures and intentions might be.  See beyond the behaviours.   There’s no book of life and how to live it.  We all muddle along and try to find our way.  Sometimes this results in developing unhelpful defensive behaviours.   But we can choose not hook in to old patterns or give other people the power to upset our day.  We can choose compassion. 

How might you set old relationships up on a new and more constructive footing that reflects the present rather than the past?   What would this look like?  How would you be acting differently so as to reflect the person you are now, the person you wish others to see and acknowledge? 

In that spirit of enquiry I wish you all a very happy Christmas and a new year that brings you and those you love happiness in 2011.

Healing emotion is incredibly important.  We all experience emotions every day of our lives and each one of us has had happiness but also sadness, disappointment, resentments and anxieties.  Some of these can get ‘stuck’ in our bodies through our emotional memories.  Our body has an intelligence and is constantly monitoring our emotional state for basic survival reasons but also to ensure that our emotional as well as physical needs are met.  The body stores information about how you tensed up when you gave that presentation to your boss, or were told off by a teacher in the classroom, were fearful at night in the dark as a child, were bullied by a colleague, felt dejected at the end of a relationship, or excited by the prospect of a new home.

Descartes separated mind and body, saying that only God was in charge of the mind but he lived before the era of science .  We are one system, mind and body and now that we are able to view the inner workings of the brain and body with fMRI scans we can see that what happens in the mind immediately affects the body by sending out stress alert signals that change our chemistry and what happens in the body immediately affects our mind by altering the balance of oxygen, CO2 and blood that is available to our ‘thinking’ brain.

All of this is highly relevant to each one of our lives whether at work and needing to think clearly about complex things or at home where we are juggling personal relationships and tasks at the same time as trying to take care of our own needs.

I have been thinking a great deal about this recently in writing my new book EMOTIONAL HEALING FOR DUMMIES which I wrote with Dr David Beales, a medical doctor specialising in mind-body and behavioural medicine.  Sharing experiences of clients and patients we realise that people who are having difficulty speaking up either at work or at home may experience problems with their jaw, those who are feeling ‘put upon’ by others may have physical ailments around neck and shoulders as the ‘burden’ of demands becomes too difficult to manage, others who have back problems as they need to stand up for themselves in some way, people who are fearful go into spasm.  So our emotional feelings impact our health and daily wellbeing but we can heal them by focus of mind – exploring the issues, taking a breathing space to reflect on what it is you personally need to do or say in the situation, learning new thoughts and behaviours that will help you to take action to solve the problems.

So roll over Descartes: my argument is that it is you who are in charge of your mind and your health through what you choose to focus on.  If you have emotions that are causing you difficulties – old resentments at the way your parents treated you or what life has dealt you, or anger at a partner who walked out on you then it is likely that it is not only disturbing your everyday life but is also impacting your health in a negative way.

So take action on this and improve your quality of life by taking a look at our book on EMOTIONAL HEALING FOR DUMMIES – we can offer you a special offer of 25% discount including free postage and packing if you go to http://eu.wiley.com/WileyCDA/WileyTitle/productCd-0470747641.html and quote the promotional code VA682.  You can use the same link to get a 25% discount on my book COGNITIVE-BEHAVIOURAL COACHING TECHNIQUES FOR DUMMIES too, quoting the same promotional code.

Let’s not let the endless doom and gloom get to us.  The media and the government seem to love battering us with miserable stories but they weren’t exactly brilliant at predicting the current crisis or protecting us from it were they?  So maybe they are all missing something that’s just around the corner that could actually go right – who knows?!  After all, just after the last recession we got the internet and digital boom … so do get creative and get us out of this one… :>)

Our parents and grandparents lived through far worse, with world wars and a far less generous social system than we have today to support us.  They lived with years of uncertainty that was not just economic but life-threatening.  Talk to them about it, or to your elderly neighbour – you often find that the ‘old dear’ down the road has actually driven tanks and parachuted out of planes… far braver than battling the bugs on the District Line every morning.

But of course misery and negativity depletes our immune system so it is hardly surprising that we have a record number of flu and cold bugs going around.  So focus on the positive and at least you are more likely to stay healthy and live longer as there is now a good body of evidence to show that optimism and happiness increase health, longevity and wellbeing.  (And if you’re worrying about how on earth you’ll afford to live longer then optimism also increases your chances of success in sales and career and it can be learned – through Positiveworks of course! www.positiveworks.com )

The human mind tends to fret about things that may never happen.  So enjoy what is going right.  And if today you have some money in the bank, a job perhaps, a roof over your head, a pet, a friend, someone you love, or someone who knows and understands you then rejoice.  A quick scan of world events shows us that the problems we face in the UK may be difficult but nothing like as bad as in some other parts of the world.

Also can we please have a revival of common sense: it has been under-rated recently and it has a lot going for it.   Many regulations assume we have none of our own – that we have to be warned that we could cut ourselves if we aren’t careful how we use scissors to unwrap our Christmas presents.  Surely we know that this is the case, that life can be risky – that grass is slippery when wet.  Don’t we?

So listen to your heart.  Intuition has been proven by recent research to be spot on in helping us make decisions.  But you knew that didn’t you – you didn’t need a University research project to tell you.  If something feels right, do it; if something doesn’t feel right then don’t.  Intuition usually speaks to you through your body – if you feel tense with someone it is for a reason; if you feel light and happy with another person then there is a message in it.  You don’t need books to tell you this: you just need to tune back into your self.  (But of course do buy my latest book Cognitive-Behavioural Coaching for Dummies http://eu.wiley.com/WileyCDA/WileyTitle/productCd-0470713798.html )

The Credit Crunch has raised discussion about excess and ‘affluenza’.  Certainly a rebalancing of what is realistic and sustainable is required at all levels.  But there is little point in waging a war on wealth-creation in itself.   There is no intrinsic goodness in poverty: in fact poverty divides and wrecks individuals and communities.  Several people are now admitting that they ‘always knew’ that what they were doing in lending money to people who couldn’t afford it was wrong but they did it anyway in order to follow a target, gain a perk. Similarly others took on debt that they knew they couldn’t afford.  So follow your own moral compass of what is right or wrong but honest toil is certainly nothing to be ashamed of.  If we make money we are able to employ others, avoid living off the State, be philanthropic and give to charities. I found this quite an interesting article on this subject:

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/leading_article/article5391496.ece

New perspectives are what is called for, not a return to what was.  Einstein commented that we can’t solve a problem from the same place in which we created it.  When it comes to your own life get creative and look at situations anew.  Spend 30 minutes identifying as many ways as possible of finding a solution.  The HBDI Herrmann thinking profile works brilliantly to stretch your brain and ensure you integrate creativity and realism, see http://www.positiveworks.com/products/thinkingpref.htm

You can change things: every voice matters.  Even if it is just to develop a positive energy around you at home or at work.  But if you care about something, write a letter to a paper or your MP or to Boris, write a blog, comment on a website, join a lobby group, volunteer for a charity, smile at someone on the tube, do any small thing that expresses what you feel strongly about.  You may not be able to change the world, or your whole organisation, or the government, or the country but you can make a difference to those immediately close to you and surely that is worth doing.  

Finally, fun doesn’t have to cost much.  We can enjoy family, friends, good health, kitchen suppers, books, reading, listening to music, making love, dancing, going to an art gallery, playing with the paint pot your aunt bought for the kids, walking in the park, all at minimal cost.  So let’s act to make this year a really good one and prove those doom and gloom merchants thoroughly wrong!

Happy 2009! Helen

7 Ideas about travelling hopefully through the economic downturn

The news is all thoroughly glum isn’t it.  Every day there seems to be yet another story of economic doom and gloom and global break-down.  So I thought I would share with you some of the things we could try to remember in these challenging times:

1.       Focus on the positive.  The one thing we do have control of is our mental and emotional approach to how we manage the situation.  I am not suggesting that the situation is not serious: I am sure that it is.  But we can either allow our thoughts to increase our sense of anxiety such as “I can’t stand this situation: it is ghastly and it is just going to get worse” or we can develop thoughts such as “this is a very challenging situation but I can manage it step by step and remain optimistic” so as to generate a feeling of calm and confidence.  When we are stressed we are stupid and make stupid decisions: and we can’t afford to make bad decisions at this time so take a deep breath and decide to feel in control.  

2.       Focus on what we can control:  decide what we can change and what we can’t.  We are living through unprecedented times: no expert – politician or economist – actually knows what the solutions are so the important thing is for us to focus on those aspects of our life that we can control and not spend too much time worrying about what we can’t.  What can we do?  Perhaps we can watch our cash flow, save money, invest it carefully, put our all into the work we are doing, seek new career avenues and opportunities.  Perhaps we can nurture the relationships and support systems we have and support those whom we love and with whom we live and work.  In essence, travel hopefully and make every day as enjoyable as it can be.   Each decision we make becomes more important and will take more consideration so as to ensure that we taking action where we can and accepting what we can’t change.

3.       Focus on personal values.  We need to flex to the changing circumstances of the economic world but the focus that can keep us sane is holding on to our personal principles and values.  Doing this is not always easy but virtually always raises self-esteem and is more likely to set you on the right pathway for your own unique destiny rather than following the crowd. Groupthink can lead to panic and to not thinking wisely (look at what has just been happening when people all over the world got swept up on a wave of economic practice that was not sustainable). The pull of the crowd is strong and it takes courage to stand alone but ultimately in my experience it leads us towards those people who share our values and can support our aspirations.

4.       Get real. Work with facts and evidence, not with supposition and imagining what might happen – because it may never happen.   If we buy into all the fear that the media and governments are setting up we could waste several months if not years of our lives living in fear, to no good avail.  Unprecedented times mean that forthcoming events are unpredictable so we may simply not have the mental models available to imagine what they might look like – and you never know, things could turn out to be better than we imagine! 

5.       Look for the opportunities.  In every downturn there is opportunity.  I have lived through three major periods of economic difficulty – the 1970s (when we had a 3-day week, power cuts to offices, rubbish uncollected in the streets), the 1980s and Black Monday, and the recession of the 1990s – when I set up Positiveworks.  They don’t last forever and there are always those who prosper despite them.  We can either button down the hatches and decide that everything is going to be ghastly or we can choose to travel wisely and hopefully and look for new opportunities, new ways of working, new ways of living.  There  are 2 books out that might be of interest to you: one called When Markets Collide – Investment Strategies for the Age of Global Economic Change.  You can check it out on http://business.timesonline.co.uk/tol/business/economics/article4968973.ece . The other is The Tiger That Isn’t: Seeing Through a World of Numbers.  You can check this one out in an article in The Times entitled ‘Crash! Boom! Disaster! That’s enough crazy talk’ see http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/columnists/guest_contributors/article4981188.ece 

6.       Be discerning.  The media has decided long ago that it is only bad news that sells newspapers – so that is what they focus on.  They seldom tell us of all the many good things that are going on in the world.  Comment always comes with an agenda too: so listen carefully to who is doing the reporting – and why.  We might remind ourselves as we read or listen to the news that what is actually happening is as much about what is not reported as about what is.

7.       Get creative. If the old world has gone let’s consider the shape of the new world in a proactive way: it takes the sum of our individual efforts to make change a positive experience.  Each one of us has more creativity and innovation within us than we might be aware of – it is time for us to get fired up about how to make this period of global downturn a time when we shift our thinking and approach to deciding what kind of new world we want to build.  If we focus on negativity and fear this is what we will shape; if we focus on constructive optimism and innovation we may be able to shape something new and exciting that is grounded in wise principles and a sense of inclusion that could benefit us all.  This is our challenge: let’s rise to it! 

What new world do you want to create and what action might you take to create it?

I was on a bus yesterday and recently have been observing the different responses that bus drivers take to the various events that they face within their job.  Some seem to take perverse pleasure in driving off just as someone is running to catch the bus; others wait patiently and helpfully for the person to reach the stop.  Some drive like maniacs so that cyclists have to scatter; others are courteous and careful.  Some are really helpful to confused tourists; others are dismissive, rude and obstructive.

At  Positiveworks our coaching and training courses are based on the principles of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and you may well have read that the Government is wanting to introduce this into schools (see our book FUTURE DIRECTIONS http://www.positiveworks.com/education/futuredirections.htm) and also make it more available to those suffering from depression.  So what is CBT and how might it help a bus driver or anyone else finding it hard to make the most of the situation in which they have placed themselves?  Basically it works on the premise that how you think affects how you feel and that how you feel will drive your behaviours and actions.  For example if I have a large pile of work on my desk and think “I have too much to do in too little time” it makes me feel stressed.  Feeling stressed stops me thinking clearly and the work ends up taking longer and I may damage relationships with colleagues in the process as we communicate very differently when we when we feel stressed, anxious, fearful or angry to when we feel calm and confident.  Similarly we make different decisions when we feel down to when we feel up and it all starts in our mind.

It is not a new concept: it is based on the reflections of the Stoic philosophers and Epictetus in particular, born around A.D.55.  He was born a slave so had experience of hard times himself and yet his words are quoted by Governments all these years later.   You may have heard before the quote “Individuals are disturbed not by events but by the views they take of them.”  Therefore that it is our thoughts, reactions and approaches that unsettle us, not the nature of the event itself.  I am sure we have all seen this in action – one person we know who was made redundant and felt destroyed by the process, another who was delighted that they could now focus on some new opportunity.  Same situation, different response.

CBT is not about ‘Polyanna’ thinking that everything in the garden is roses: it is about constructive reasoning, enabling people to develop thoughts, beliefs and expectations that best support their goals and quality of life.  For example if someone has a sales meeting with a client it is not going to help them if they are doubtful of their ability to achieve the sale.  On the other hand if they are thinking they ‘must’ achieve the sale this also sets up tension so a CBT response would be “I would prefer it if I make this sale but I can manage it if I don’t as there are plenty of other customers out there.”  Or “I have made sales before so there is no reason why I shouldn’t succeed this time.”  It is about finding thoughts that lead to an emotional state that helps you manage the situation.  It is about trying one’s best but understanding that the world is an uncertain place.  It is about accepting one’s fallibility as a human being and yet doing what one can to make the most of oneself, others and all the situations in which one finds oneself.

So CBT can help the bus drivers, or others who get resentful and bad-tempered in their work, to realise that they do, in fact, have a choice in the way they respond to the situations they face every day.  If they are choosing to remain in their current job they can choose, in Stoic fashion, to make the most of things and may well be happier as a result.  It is the flick of a mental switch.  If they choose to leave they will be doing so in strength and not in anger or desperation.  It is not about not acknowledging their emotions.  It is about realizing that their emotions are showing them that they need to review their life and consider what action they could take to achieve greater happiness and fulfilment.  There are always options of approach, though sometimes we don’t see them.  What are your options to make the most of the situations you may face over the next week?

Answer to Comment: I have been asked how to manage if someone is constantly negative.  How do you help someone who can’t see that they have a choice to ‘flick that mental switch’.  Well, the most helpful way I have found is to ask questions and also watch out for generalisations and black and white thinking.  Words to observe are ‘EVERYTHING… goes wrong’ or ‘NOTHING … is working’ or ‘this will NEVER work’ or ‘NOONE ever helps me’.  It is very unlikely that this is the case and the most logical people can sometimes totally lose their perspective when they get into the habit of negative thinking.  You need to help them get specific in order to help them realize that their current thinking is both irrational, unhelpful and  probably out of perspective.  Some questions you could try: “How does that attitude or approach help you to achieve what you are trying to achieve?” “What IS going right?” “Who IS helping you?” “Do you have evidence that it will never work?” “Has any aspect of it ever worked in the past?”  It can also help to show people that they have greater choice by copying other people’s responses – eg “Would everyone respond in this way?”  “How might x manage this situation?” “How might someone else manage this?”  This can show them that there are options.  Help them, also, to consider what it is they really want to achieve – what would success look like, feel like, be like.  This can get them out of the problem and start working on the solution.  Hope that helps! Helen