So whether scientists can prove a creator God or not doesn’t prevent you from creating the life you want to lead, the work you want to be involved in, and developing the potential that lies within you to be the person you want to be.  As this new phase of my life has begun and is unfolding I become increasingly convinced that we do create our tomorrows in the personal energy, thoughts, behaviours and actions we focus on today.  If you focus on pessimism, helplessness, or negativity then you can manifest problems (I know from experience!); if you take time to create a real picture of what you are looking to bring in to your life, and begin to act as if you have it, then the more likely it is that this will come into being.  It isn’t infallible but when it does happen, often with very little effort other than a real intention, it feels like magic but in reality you were the creative force within the process.  As Professor Richard Wiseman’s book The Luck Factor points out, luck is made through attitude, action and creating opportunity.

So we owe it to ourselves and others to create a positive energy around us every day.  Not in a mindless way that denies our emotions because experiencing all emotion heightens the good times but in a way that makes each day as good as it can be.  My observation is that this is spirituality, however you personally define the word, as daily practice.  So maybe take time this week to crystallise what you would like to bring into your life.  Begin with reflecting on the life and experiences you have already created; accept and enjoy where you are now and then identify goals that will enhance this further.  Complete the process by developing the thoughts, behaviours, verbal and body language, and personal energy of the person who already has this in their lives.  Have positive expectations of yourself, others and life.  Let go of stress and doubt as these not only block the process, they lower your immune system too.

It’s easy to be cynical about this process - where is the proof of how it works or that it will work?  But Einstein said ‘not everything in the world can be counted and not everything that can be counted counts’.  Despite scientific advances there are still many things in life that cannot be fully understood.  Analysis and cynicism can be helpful in certain situations but not every situation.  So you might like to just give it a go - as Wayne Dyer said ‘you’ll see it when you believe it’.

Descartes separated mind and body, saying that only God was in charge of the mind but he lived before the era of science .  We are one system, mind and body and now that we are able to view the inner workings of the brain and body with fMRI scans we can see that what happens in the mind immediately affects the body by sending out stress alert signals that change our chemistry and what happens in the body immediately affects our mind by altering the balance of oxygen, CO2 and blood that is available to our ‘thinking’ brain.

All of this is highly relevant to each one of our lives whether at work and needing to think clearly about complex things or at home where we are juggling personal relationships and tasks at the same time as trying to take care of our own needs.

I have been thinking a great deal about this recently in writing my new book EMOTIONAL HEALING FOR DUMMIES which I wrote with Dr David Beales, a medical doctor specialising in mind-body and behavioural medicine.  Sharing experiences of clients and patients we realise that people who are having difficulty speaking up either at work or at home may experience problems with their jaw, those who are feeling ‘put upon’ by others may have physical ailments around neck and shoulders as the ‘burden’ of demands becomes too difficult to manage, others who have back problems as they need to stand up for themselves in some way, people who are fearful go into spasm.  So our emotional feelings impact our health and daily wellbeing but we can heal them by focus of mind – exploring the issues, taking a breathing space to reflect on what it is you personally need to do or say in the situation, learning new thoughts and behaviours that will help you to take action to solve the problems.

So roll over Descartes: my argument is that it is you who are in charge of your mind and your health through what you choose to focus on.  If you have emotions that are causing you difficulties – old resentments at the way your parents treated you or what life has dealt you, or anger at a partner who walked out on you then it is likely that it is not only disturbing your everyday life but is also impacting your health in a negative way.

So take action on this and improve your quality of life by taking a look at our book on EMOTIONAL HEALING FOR DUMMIES – we can offer you a special offer of 25% discount including free postage and packing if you go to http://eu.wiley.com/WileyCDA/WileyTitle/productCd-0470747641.html and quote the promotional code VA682.  You can use the same link to get a 25% discount on my book COGNITIVE-BEHAVIOURAL COACHING TECHNIQUES FOR DUMMIES too, quoting the same promotional code.

Perhaps, as the writer AE Houseman suggested, “Three minutes’ thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time.”  So thinking is just too much trouble and we perceive we don’t have time for it.  And yet without it we are lost, for there is a need to consider:

·         The consequences of one’s actions

·         The way others might perceive your actions

·         The balance of risk to self and others

·         Whether following targets may actually prejudice the wellbeing of others

·         Whether it is better to follow targets than human kindness and consideration

·         Whether actions reflect the things you say you stand for and believe in

·         The ideal world that we seek to create rather than the fear-driven image conjured up by the media

Without consideration we act in a fog, unable to determine what is good or evil, what we want and what we don’t.  Most of all we lose the oft-spoken-of ‘moral compass’.   So how to set the course for a more mindful future?

First things first: make time to stop and reflect on life and on your thoughts about how you want it to be.  In these moments don’t read a book, watch tv, take a telephone call, surf the net, wonder what your BlackBerry might have waiting for you.  Just stop.  We get so little opportunity for silence.  The sounds of traffic, planes and people interrupt and if you aren’t listening to your own Ipod there is often someone next to you on the bus who is!  So be calm, watch the sky, listen to the birds, or just acclimatize to silence.  Be there, wherever you are, and call in your senses so that you feel a part of the larger whole.  This allows the stillness you need for clear thinking.

In this time consider:

·         What you agree with and what you don’t

·         The values and ethics that you stand for and expect and desire others to stand for

·         Whether you have got things out of perspective – are too negative or too positive, are seeing everything in generalisations such as ‘no-one, nothing, everything, always, never’ or are able to be specific and rational about what you are talking about.

·         Whether you are making assumptions that your own voice won’t make a difference.

·         Whether you are throwing stones at others when actually you may be equally fallible.

·         How others might be interpreting your behaviours.

·         Whether you fear alienation if you say something contrary to popular or peer opinion

·         What actions you might take to lead a life that reflects your beliefs

I do have some suggested methods to offer you  in my latest book COGNITIVE-BEHAVIOURAL COACHING TECHNIQUES FOR DUMMIES.  Although there are a couple of chapters that are specifically written for coaches the book provides tools and techniques for anyone to develop the thinking skills necessary to check whether you are approaching situations in a rational, constructive and mindful way.  Thinking models are relevant to all age groups.   The link from Amazon is: http://www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_ss_b_0_30?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=cognitive+behavioural+coaching+techniques+for+dummies&sprefix=cOGNITIVE+BEHAVIOURAL+COACHING

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So far comments have been

“I really loved the way you put the exercises together”….. “I already have put your book in my bathroom to read, I am sure it will be helpful to certain people we know”… “It is so full of useful information and tips that I have marked almost every page.  It has also made me think about myself in a way I hadn’t done before – about my views, beliefs, prejudices”… “The CBC book is very good. I am halfway through, and that’s because I have been trying to prise it away from my wife” … “It is a major achievement, there is so much information there – it is really impressive “I hope that you enjoy it and find it useful. 

Our parents and grandparents lived through far worse, with world wars and a far less generous social system than we have today to support us.  They lived with years of uncertainty that was not just economic but life-threatening.  Talk to them about it, or to your elderly neighbour – you often find that the ‘old dear’ down the road has actually driven tanks and parachuted out of planes… far braver than battling the bugs on the District Line every morning.

But of course misery and negativity depletes our immune system so it is hardly surprising that we have a record number of flu and cold bugs going around.  So focus on the positive and at least you are more likely to stay healthy and live longer as there is now a good body of evidence to show that optimism and happiness increase health, longevity and wellbeing.  (And if you’re worrying about how on earth you’ll afford to live longer then optimism also increases your chances of success in sales and career and it can be learned – through Positiveworks of course! www.positiveworks.com )

The human mind tends to fret about things that may never happen.  So enjoy what is going right.  And if today you have some money in the bank, a job perhaps, a roof over your head, a pet, a friend, someone you love, or someone who knows and understands you then rejoice.  A quick scan of world events shows us that the problems we face in the UK may be difficult but nothing like as bad as in some other parts of the world.

Also can we please have a revival of common sense: it has been under-rated recently and it has a lot going for it.   Many regulations assume we have none of our own – that we have to be warned that we could cut ourselves if we aren’t careful how we use scissors to unwrap our Christmas presents.  Surely we know that this is the case, that life can be risky – that grass is slippery when wet.  Don’t we?

So listen to your heart.  Intuition has been proven by recent research to be spot on in helping us make decisions.  But you knew that didn’t you – you didn’t need a University research project to tell you.  If something feels right, do it; if something doesn’t feel right then don’t.  Intuition usually speaks to you through your body – if you feel tense with someone it is for a reason; if you feel light and happy with another person then there is a message in it.  You don’t need books to tell you this: you just need to tune back into your self.  (But of course do buy my latest book Cognitive-Behavioural Coaching for Dummies http://eu.wiley.com/WileyCDA/WileyTitle/productCd-0470713798.html )

The Credit Crunch has raised discussion about excess and ‘affluenza’.  Certainly a rebalancing of what is realistic and sustainable is required at all levels.  But there is little point in waging a war on wealth-creation in itself.   There is no intrinsic goodness in poverty: in fact poverty divides and wrecks individuals and communities.  Several people are now admitting that they ‘always knew’ that what they were doing in lending money to people who couldn’t afford it was wrong but they did it anyway in order to follow a target, gain a perk. Similarly others took on debt that they knew they couldn’t afford.  So follow your own moral compass of what is right or wrong but honest toil is certainly nothing to be ashamed of.  If we make money we are able to employ others, avoid living off the State, be philanthropic and give to charities. I found this quite an interesting article on this subject:

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/leading_article/article5391496.ece

New perspectives are what is called for, not a return to what was.  Einstein commented that we can’t solve a problem from the same place in which we created it.  When it comes to your own life get creative and look at situations anew.  Spend 30 minutes identifying as many ways as possible of finding a solution.  The HBDI Herrmann thinking profile works brilliantly to stretch your brain and ensure you integrate creativity and realism, see http://www.positiveworks.com/products/thinkingpref.htm

You can change things: every voice matters.  Even if it is just to develop a positive energy around you at home or at work.  But if you care about something, write a letter to a paper or your MP or to Boris, write a blog, comment on a website, join a lobby group, volunteer for a charity, smile at someone on the tube, do any small thing that expresses what you feel strongly about.  You may not be able to change the world, or your whole organisation, or the government, or the country but you can make a difference to those immediately close to you and surely that is worth doing.  

Finally, fun doesn’t have to cost much.  We can enjoy family, friends, good health, kitchen suppers, books, reading, listening to music, making love, dancing, going to an art gallery, playing with the paint pot your aunt bought for the kids, walking in the park, all at minimal cost.  So let’s act to make this year a really good one and prove those doom and gloom merchants thoroughly wrong!

Happy 2009! Helen

The news is all thoroughly glum isn’t it.  Every day there seems to be yet another story of economic doom and gloom and global break-down.  So I thought I would share with you some of the things we could try to remember in these challenging times:

1.       Focus on the positive.  The one thing we do have control of is our mental and emotional approach to how we manage the situation.  I am not suggesting that the situation is not serious: I am sure that it is.  But we can either allow our thoughts to increase our sense of anxiety such as “I can’t stand this situation: it is ghastly and it is just going to get worse” or we can develop thoughts such as “this is a very challenging situation but I can manage it step by step and remain optimistic” so as to generate a feeling of calm and confidence.  When we are stressed we are stupid and make stupid decisions: and we can’t afford to make bad decisions at this time so take a deep breath and decide to feel in control.  

2.       Focus on what we can control:  decide what we can change and what we can’t.  We are living through unprecedented times: no expert – politician or economist – actually knows what the solutions are so the important thing is for us to focus on those aspects of our life that we can control and not spend too much time worrying about what we can’t.  What can we do?  Perhaps we can watch our cash flow, save money, invest it carefully, put our all into the work we are doing, seek new career avenues and opportunities.  Perhaps we can nurture the relationships and support systems we have and support those whom we love and with whom we live and work.  In essence, travel hopefully and make every day as enjoyable as it can be.   Each decision we make becomes more important and will take more consideration so as to ensure that we taking action where we can and accepting what we can’t change.

3.       Focus on personal values.  We need to flex to the changing circumstances of the economic world but the focus that can keep us sane is holding on to our personal principles and values.  Doing this is not always easy but virtually always raises self-esteem and is more likely to set you on the right pathway for your own unique destiny rather than following the crowd. Groupthink can lead to panic and to not thinking wisely (look at what has just been happening when people all over the world got swept up on a wave of economic practice that was not sustainable). The pull of the crowd is strong and it takes courage to stand alone but ultimately in my experience it leads us towards those people who share our values and can support our aspirations.

4.       Get real. Work with facts and evidence, not with supposition and imagining what might happen – because it may never happen.   If we buy into all the fear that the media and governments are setting up we could waste several months if not years of our lives living in fear, to no good avail.  Unprecedented times mean that forthcoming events are unpredictable so we may simply not have the mental models available to imagine what they might look like – and you never know, things could turn out to be better than we imagine! 

5.       Look for the opportunities.  In every downturn there is opportunity.  I have lived through three major periods of economic difficulty – the 1970s (when we had a 3-day week, power cuts to offices, rubbish uncollected in the streets), the 1980s and Black Monday, and the recession of the 1990s – when I set up Positiveworks.  They don’t last forever and there are always those who prosper despite them.  We can either button down the hatches and decide that everything is going to be ghastly or we can choose to travel wisely and hopefully and look for new opportunities, new ways of working, new ways of living.  There  are 2 books out that might be of interest to you: one called When Markets Collide – Investment Strategies for the Age of Global Economic Change.  You can check it out on http://business.timesonline.co.uk/tol/business/economics/article4968973.ece . The other is The Tiger That Isn’t: Seeing Through a World of Numbers.  You can check this one out in an article in The Times entitled ‘Crash! Boom! Disaster! That’s enough crazy talk’ see http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/columnists/guest_contributors/article4981188.ece 

6.       Be discerning.  The media has decided long ago that it is only bad news that sells newspapers – so that is what they focus on.  They seldom tell us of all the many good things that are going on in the world.  Comment always comes with an agenda too: so listen carefully to who is doing the reporting – and why.  We might remind ourselves as we read or listen to the news that what is actually happening is as much about what is not reported as about what is.

7.       Get creative. If the old world has gone let’s consider the shape of the new world in a proactive way: it takes the sum of our individual efforts to make change a positive experience.  Each one of us has more creativity and innovation within us than we might be aware of – it is time for us to get fired up about how to make this period of global downturn a time when we shift our thinking and approach to deciding what kind of new world we want to build.  If we focus on negativity and fear this is what we will shape; if we focus on constructive optimism and innovation we may be able to shape something new and exciting that is grounded in wise principles and a sense of inclusion that could benefit us all.  This is our challenge: let’s rise to it! 

What new world do you want to create and what action might you take to create it?

Certainly it is difficult, as a busy manager, to find time.  Also difficult to fit people into spreadsheets, manage or measure, that may be true: the human being is a unique and complex organism.  But woolly and not worth spending time thinking about: no.

The myth seems to be that it is the ‘hard skills’ alone that make business work.  Hard skills perform an essential function, certainly, and yet how and whether that happens is all down to the management of human minds and emotions.  Think about your own experience for a moment and see if any of this rings a bell.  Has the smooth flowing of your business or work ever been impacted by an individual who is:

·         Fearful for their job security and just sticks by the letter of their job rather than taking initiative or innovating

·         A jealous or territorial empire-builder who doesn’t want to share a piece of information because they want to take the credit themselves, thereby scuppering their colleagues’ efforts

·         Someone who embellishes the figures or sells more than required to a customer in order to meet their targets and gain their bonus, only to be exposed , at a later date, for misleading others  

·         Unable to say that they don’t know how to perform the function that they have been asked to perform so gets it wrong rather than look stupid and ask their boss or colleague for a solution or guidance

·         Fearful of conflict so avoids raising an issue with a colleague, boss or customer thus perpetuating the problem longer than it needs, sometimes to a point where the issue has escalated beyond redemption

The major problems in the business world actually tend to come down to emotions and relationships –

·         People negotiating major deals and unable to find a way for the egos involved to be sufficiently pacified to be able to do the deal.

·         Companies restructuring and trying to bring different cultures of people and work approach together without appreciating how long it takes for individuals to shake off one identity and set of working habits and integrate with another.    

·         Back office and front office issues that lead to misunderstanding, conflict, delay and complexity

·         The project or programme manager who is so task-focused that they forget to share crucial information with their team, leading to the delay of the project.

·         The manager who has their head so full of target-pressures that they forget to stop to acknowledge good performance,  without realizing that demotivation leads to low productivity, resentment, and to the loss of talented staff.

One can plan effective strategies to manage these eventualities in advance.  These everyday people situations are exactly what it is worth taking focused time to consider, not just waiting to address them when things go wrong.  If not addressed, they cost time, money and mental and emotional energy that could be better utilized elsewhere.  However, it is not necessarily a comfort zone for some managers, who may prefer to focus on tasks rather than thinking about behaviours and emotions.  This is where coaching and training can provide a short sharp solution.  Through Personality Profiling (follow the link for a short comparison between HBDI, DiSC, MBTI) it is possible to identify how different individual and departmental approaches are impacting communication between and within teams.  The HBDI Herrmann Thinking Preference Profile http://www.positiveworks.com/products/thinkingpref.htm is the fastest and most practical tool I know to help people gain insight and strategies to bridge diverse communication styles.  Our new training programme  Bridging the Gap Between Departments (follow the link for an overview agenda) applies the Herrmann profile within a Mediation process to enable individuals and teams to recognise and acknowledge common goals and find a way to align their efforts to the benefit of all.  This isn’t ‘soft’ stuff: it is often the hardest stuff of all!  And when managers are courageous enough to tackle these issues in a direct and honest manner the results are generally of great value to morale and productivity.  For more info contact info@positiveworks.com .

Why have we got so much violence and aggression on our streets?  It is so depressing to read endless tragic stories of teenagers stabbed or shot; to see girls kick one another in the head, and to watch football fans attacking policemen.  What is happening?  More to the point, what can we do about it?

I have three solutions: anger management, parenting classes and an end to sadistic video games.

(1) Anger management and emotional intelligence are lifeskills that can be taught.  At Positiveworks we specialise in training and coaching people from 13 years to 70+ and most of them say “why didn’t we learn this before?” Cognitive-behavioural methods  provide practical and powerful tools to enable people to stop, breathe and evaluate the consequence of something they are about to say or do.  Most anger comes from the need to have the world exactly the way we want it to be.  As babies we scream and the consequence is that we gain the attention of our parents: that is a survival mechanism.  Our needs are addressed.  Emotional maturity comes when we come to realize, as we grow up, that screaming for attention can alienate; that other people have needs too and that there needs to be compromise.  Instead of thinking “Dina must do what I want her to”, with Cognitive-behavioural models we can learn to think “I would rather Dina did what I wanted her to but I can manage it if she doesn’t”.  It’s not rocket science but it does work.   Children need to be given these insights and techniques at an early age.  See http://www.positiveworks.com/education/futuredirections.htm

(2) Which comes to my second solution: enlighten parents about these methods so that they can pass them on to their children.  Watching the fly-on-the-wall documentaries about families it is clear that parents frequently lose their rag with their children – and so the children learn that this is acceptable behaviour, when in fact it is not.  Parenting classes can help mothers and fathers to experience for themselves how to manage anger, how to access a calm state of mind and how to learn to treat one another, and their children, with dignity and respect by learning assertiveness (not aggressive) skills. Coaches Diane Carrington and Antonia Fernand work in this field, see http://www.positiveworks.com/coaches/team.htm

(3) Put a stop to easy access of violent and sadistic computer games.  Why do we have to have games such as Grand Theft Auto IV so readily available?  I simply can’t understand why people are not making a link between violent games and the violence we see on the street.  Susan Greenfield, the leading brain scientist, [ID: The Quest for Identity in the 21^st Century by Susan Greenfield, Hodder & Stoughton]has made a link between the corrosive effect of computer games and the potential for young people to lose their sense of reality as a result of continuous boosting of the chemical dopamine in the brain’s pleasure centre.  Too much dopamine can distort a child’s awareness of the meaning of their actions.  Looking at the cold unemotional faces of some of the young men recently sentenced for senseless murders one does begin to see that this is becoming a reality.  They literally didn’t seem to have any concept of what they had done; no understanding of the emotional trauma that bereaved families were going through.

These are the first generations to have access to such sadistic and realistic images.  The brain’s memory works in images.  The advertising companies know this; lobbying campaigns know this so why do people continue to say that violent images carry no impact?  It has just been reported in The Times, 17.5.08, that psychologists are finding that they can cure phobias using virtual reality scenarios – a fear of flying, binge-eating and post-traumatic stress are being treated with video games.  A war veteran has commented that after a while it doesn’t seem like a video game, it seems like reality.  This is using the technology for a positive purpose.  If there is evidence that it can influence in a positive way it surely goes without saying that it can influence in a negative way and that becoming immersed in violent games and films eventually distorts a person’s sense of reality and normalizes aggression. 

As Positiveworks we seek to help people to see the positive in themselves, in others and to realize that, within the ups and downs of life, one does not have to be a victim of circumstance but can make decisions to move on and make the most of life.  Is it not time for teachers, parents and the producers of video games to cooperate so as to help teenagers take control of their thinking, to learn what thoughts are rational and helpful, and to learn how to manage their emotions and treat themselves and others with dignity.  My colleagues and I have achieved measurable results in developing emotional intelligence in young people: let’s spread this skill more widely. www.positiveworks.com

At  Positiveworks our coaching and training courses are based on the principles of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and you may well have read that the Government is wanting to introduce this into schools (see our book FUTURE DIRECTIONS http://www.positiveworks.com/education/futuredirections.htm) and also make it more available to those suffering from depression.  So what is CBT and how might it help a bus driver or anyone else finding it hard to make the most of the situation in which they have placed themselves?  Basically it works on the premise that how you think affects how you feel and that how you feel will drive your behaviours and actions.  For example if I have a large pile of work on my desk and think “I have too much to do in too little time” it makes me feel stressed.  Feeling stressed stops me thinking clearly and the work ends up taking longer and I may damage relationships with colleagues in the process as we communicate very differently when we when we feel stressed, anxious, fearful or angry to when we feel calm and confident.  Similarly we make different decisions when we feel down to when we feel up and it all starts in our mind.

It is not a new concept: it is based on the reflections of the Stoic philosophers and Epictetus in particular, born around A.D.55.  He was born a slave so had experience of hard times himself and yet his words are quoted by Governments all these years later.   You may have heard before the quote “Individuals are disturbed not by events but by the views they take of them.”  Therefore that it is our thoughts, reactions and approaches that unsettle us, not the nature of the event itself.  I am sure we have all seen this in action – one person we know who was made redundant and felt destroyed by the process, another who was delighted that they could now focus on some new opportunity.  Same situation, different response.

CBT is not about ‘Polyanna’ thinking that everything in the garden is roses: it is about constructive reasoning, enabling people to develop thoughts, beliefs and expectations that best support their goals and quality of life.  For example if someone has a sales meeting with a client it is not going to help them if they are doubtful of their ability to achieve the sale.  On the other hand if they are thinking they ‘must’ achieve the sale this also sets up tension so a CBT response would be “I would prefer it if I make this sale but I can manage it if I don’t as there are plenty of other customers out there.”  Or “I have made sales before so there is no reason why I shouldn’t succeed this time.”  It is about finding thoughts that lead to an emotional state that helps you manage the situation.  It is about trying one’s best but understanding that the world is an uncertain place.  It is about accepting one’s fallibility as a human being and yet doing what one can to make the most of oneself, others and all the situations in which one finds oneself.

So CBT can help the bus drivers, or others who get resentful and bad-tempered in their work, to realise that they do, in fact, have a choice in the way they respond to the situations they face every day.  If they are choosing to remain in their current job they can choose, in Stoic fashion, to make the most of things and may well be happier as a result.  It is the flick of a mental switch.  If they choose to leave they will be doing so in strength and not in anger or desperation.  It is not about not acknowledging their emotions.  It is about realizing that their emotions are showing them that they need to review their life and consider what action they could take to achieve greater happiness and fulfilment.  There are always options of approach, though sometimes we don’t see them.  What are your options to make the most of the situations you may face over the next week?

Answer to Comment: I have been asked how to manage if someone is constantly negative.  How do you help someone who can’t see that they have a choice to ‘flick that mental switch’.  Well, the most helpful way I have found is to ask questions and also watch out for generalisations and black and white thinking.  Words to observe are ‘EVERYTHING… goes wrong’ or ‘NOTHING … is working’ or ‘this will NEVER work’ or ‘NOONE ever helps me’.  It is very unlikely that this is the case and the most logical people can sometimes totally lose their perspective when they get into the habit of negative thinking.  You need to help them get specific in order to help them realize that their current thinking is both irrational, unhelpful and  probably out of perspective.  Some questions you could try: “How does that attitude or approach help you to achieve what you are trying to achieve?” “What IS going right?” “Who IS helping you?” “Do you have evidence that it will never work?” “Has any aspect of it ever worked in the past?”  It can also help to show people that they have greater choice by copying other people’s responses - eg “Would everyone respond in this way?”  “How might x manage this situation?” “How might someone else manage this?”  This can show them that there are options.  Help them, also, to consider what it is they really want to achieve - what would success look like, feel like, be like.  This can get them out of the problem and start working on the solution.  Hope that helps! Helen

It is quite a difficult time of the year in the UK – the grey skies and chilly winds make it hard to keep cheerful.  Recently there has been a survey on happiness trends by the economist Andrew Oswald – see www.andrewoswald.com.  His research has shown that there is a worldwide U-shaped dip in happiness in our middle years, peaking at around 40-44 and possibly accounting for the ‘mid-life crisis’.

Certainly this is my experience personally, and in my professional work as a coach I find that a large number of my clients are between the ages of 35-45.  I think this is a natural time to review life and work decisions.  In their early years people often adapt to their family, peer and social environment so as to be accepted in society and find work.  After a few years they are in a better position to look back and question whether the lifestyle and career that they have chosen really suits them.  It is as if their inner self demands to come out and find expression in the world.  A good book to help understand this is The Soul’s Code by James Hillman (http://www.positiveworks.com/products/reading.htm ), where Hillman talks about the fact that everyone is born with a unique spark and how at some stage of life this uniqueness that lies within each of us demands attention and release.

Happiness, though, is an ephemeral state and to seek it on a continual basis could be to deny other less comfortable but nonetheless valid emotions.  Emotions are there to give us cues to action.  If people feel less happy in the mid-years it is probably because there is something in their life that their unconscious knows is not in alignment with who they truly are.  This translates into a restlessness for change and so people do radical things like change career, break up relationships, move to another place or country, come out sexually, write a novel or develop their creativity.    It is not easy for those around them and frequently not easy for the individual either, which is why many people choose to have the support of a coach (http://www.positiveworks.com/coaching/index.htm) to help them clarify their decisions. 

I suspect the U-shape of happiness towards the end of life again relates more to a contentment about being able to be oneself, not someone who is adapting to gain the approval of family and society.  Throughout our lives I think we are honing this ability to be the individual we are born to be.  This is particularly observable in teenage years where a child is beginning the major separation process from the parent.  People tend to shift again in their mid-twenties when they have begun to make a place in the world and are no longer financially dependent on their parents so have greater freedom to express themselves with or without the approval of family.  The process, therefore, is not a one-off experience at 40 but frequently the mid-life crisis tends to be the most radical. However, as we are living longer people in their 50s and 60s and beyond are also making major changes.  A good book on this subject is Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes by William Bridges (http://www.positiveworks.com/products/reading.htm).

So, as we start the new year it is a good time to review whether the life you are living is reflective of your inner self or whether there are some minor - or indeed major changes -you could make that could help you to align your outer world of life and work with your inner world.  If so, you may find that a coach can help you through the process of challenge and analysis and at the same time can help you to be gentle with yourself and with those around you.